Day by Day AS ...

Seriously so incredibly restless these past few weeks.  It's one of those restless feelings that you know mean you need a break, need a vacation, need a change...without that it won't go away.  I've been hoping that I can push through this feeling until Christmas break.  After all, I have exams and projects I need to get through.  Unfortunately, despite the one or two days a week I have that are full of positive energy and productivity, I still struggle with pushing through.  Something is buried deep in me, some idea, and it is trying to surface.  Perhaps blogging will help. I used the title 'car in the mud' as it is an accurate analogy of where my head, and heart, is at.  Driving along, coasting almost, enjoying life, the scenery, and the company of those in my vehicle of life.  All of a sudden the car lurches to a stop- somehow, without me noticing, I've driven directly into a huge puddle of mud.  It's so sticky, and when I try to drive o...

Love is a complicated emotion, but some kinds of love are more challenging, and more difficult than others.  This evening I was reminded of that difficult kind of love, once again.  It happens every once in awhile, though it seems to be more frequent lately.  I know my love will never falter, I know it is true.  I also know that it is perhaps more challenging than some other loves, and that it drains me even on the best of days, let alone how I know it tramples me on my bad days. In order to continue, some explanation is necessary. Some of you that follow my blog know me personally, and know about my family.  Others of you don't know the dynamics.  In order for this post to make much sense, if any, I need to explain a portion of this dynamic. I have a twin brother, along with two older siblings (5 years older, and 10 years older).  My parents split when I was in elementary school, and my older siblings (due to age) moved out shortly after they split...

I understand so many of us live incredibly busy lives.  I myself am a full-time university student, trying to keep my average above 70, hoping to start a new volunteering job, playing intramural sports at my university, and maintain my close relationship with my family, friends, and Wallee (inside joke/story! you know who you are).  I know of people that work two jobs, others that are in school full-time and working one or two jobs, and of course there are those that work full-time.  We all have our own additional stressors and troubles, which often cause us to become tense and uptight, moody, forlorn, wistful, nostalgic, and are simply draining mentally and emotionally. When I reflect on my life right now, I realize there are times I don't exactly enjoy it.  I'm not a fan of the way education is taught, graded, and judged and that often causes me displeasure in my studies.  Sometimes I just get run down, tired, and sick of all the pressure.  I'm sure man...

Gone are the sweat, humidity, bikini clad bodies, muscle built men, and the too-tiny speedo's.  Unlike most people, I'm incredibly happy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy summer (especially since I get cold incredibly easily and will never object to having a natural tan), but I just love autumn. Autumn is an incredibly beautiful time of year.  The leaves change colours, they fall to the ground, and then the joy of crunching the leaves ensues.  Autumn means family time at Thanksgiving (something that I will never take for-granted and look forward to every year), ginormous cups of steaming tea, apple picking, and the smell of baking (pies, cookies, and fruit crisps!).  Autumn allows for fresh, clean air to breeze through open windows, gentle rain falls, and long, serene hikes. Autumn is the season of being outside, scarves, cuddling, giant sweaters, comfy (yet cute) boots, football, and perfect running weather.

For the past few days, perhaps even a week now, I have been tossing and turning many ideas through my head of what to blog about.  I even was able to get a draft going on the value of actions vs words, but it just doesn't feel finished yet. I finally came up with a concept. Vulnerability. I know most of us know what vulnerability is, or what it means to be vulnerable, but in case anyone is looking for clarification, Webster's dictionary defines vulnerable as "capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage." So many of us spend our lives running from being vulnerable, from trying to protect ourselves because we simply don't want to be hurt.  I'm not talking just about relationships here, but everything.  Some of us don't like to have pets, because eventually a bond is created and that makes us open to pain, especially knowing that odds are we will outlive our pets.  It also pertains to careers- many of us stay inside the ...

I used to focus my life around others.  It was a huge part of who I was. I used to believe that my happiness was based on how happy those around me were.  Although I still believe that the happiness of those I care about is important, I am no longer letting their happiness shape my life. For many years now I have struggled to find who I am, to get a grip on my reality.  I'm slowly feeling my grip getting stronger. I am pushing my comfort boundaries, I am striving to enjoy the small things once again in my life, I am establishing new values and morals for myself, and I am expanding my intellectual openness.

Thanks to my sister to introducing me to this song. Honestly, I don't think I can even express how this song has brought clarity to my current relationship.  Strength, awareness, belief, faith, courage, devotion.  This song is full of support and illustrates beautifully how 'love' should be between two people.  Sometimes songs, like this one, are even able to illustrate that maybe there is something better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0 And then there is this song.  I stumbled upon it myself.  I have enjoyed Rascal Flatts for years now, and often find they have lyrics that I can really relate to. This song is no different.  I have social anxiety and this song really helps me cope with my anxiety. If you've ever felt like you have to always be strong, give this song a listen.  And remember that "people cry not because they're weak, it's because they've been strong for too long."  Enjoy, with love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

I did something I shouldn’t have tonight.  I was on Facebook, creeped an old friend of mine.  I read a note they had posted, which referenced me…which referenced our broken friendship.  It stung to read it.  Really stung.  Honestly, it felt like it was happening all over again- the cold shoulder, the lack of explanation, the anger my friend radiated my direction…all of it came rushing back.  This happened four years ago.  Four years and it still hurts like it happened yesterday.  I could literally feel my heart wrenching, twisting in pain and shock of the unexpected.  One of the hardest parts to understand is how it happened, and why.  I still don’t have answers.  I hate not having answers.  It causes me to be anxious.  I like knowing what is what, and why.  If someone is mad or happy or sad with me I want to know, and I want to know why.  I start to doubt them, and sometimes in turn myself, if they don’t s...

Every time I hear this song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2icHOgC5U&ob=av2e ... I end up thinking about someone.  It isn't always the same person.  It has been people that have passed away, like my one set of grandparents. There have been times it has been people I just no longer keep in contact with or a friendship that has fallen a part.  Oddly enough, most of the time it is about people that are still in my life: friends that are away at school, family members I don't spend enough time with, and even the people I see every week. It is the people that are very much a part of my life every day/week that I often miss the most.  It perplexes me honestly.  How does that make any sense at all? They say you don't know what you have until it's gone- so shouldn't I miss those that are no longer a part of my life more than those that still are??

Two friends and I were having a conversation many days ago, and I am gracious enough to give them thanks for my topic tonight- selfishness. What does it mean to be selfish really?  Where does a line get drawn between being selfish and just saying no and consequently putting yourself first?  According to Webster, selfish has two meanings that are applicable:    1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself   :   seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.

It's been an incredibly frustrating day.  Actually, the past few months have been incredibly frustrating.  What a change from my last blog post back in November ( http://daybydayas.blogspot.com/2011/11/progress.html ).  A few months ago I went to the doctor's.  I had been feeling incredibly stressed, and was beginning to dread leaving the house. I would hyperventilate hours before work, procrastinate and distract and then be late for class (which resulted in me not going at all); I would start to shake and cry for no reason and my senses became heightened, especially with noise.  I have social anxiety.