Skip to main content

Undying Pain


I did something I shouldn’t have tonight.  I was on Facebook, creeped an old friend of mine.  I read a note they had posted, which referenced me…which referenced our broken friendship.  It stung to read it.  Really stung.  Honestly, it felt like it was happening all over again- the cold shoulder, the lack of explanation, the anger my friend radiated my direction…all of it came rushing back.  This happened four years ago.  Four years and it still hurts like it happened yesterday.  I could literally feel my heart wrenching, twisting in pain and shock of the unexpected. 

One of the hardest parts to understand is how it happened, and why.  I still don’t have answers.  I hate not having answers.  It causes me to be anxious.  I like knowing what is what, and why.  If someone is mad or happy or sad with me I want to know, and I want to know why.  I start to doubt them, and sometimes in turn myself, if they don’t say why. 


Four years…Seriously…how does it still hurt?  I saw her at the mall once, about two years back.  I could have sworn that day that she glared at me.  Today I think she may have tried to smile, but her eyes too, were filled with pain.  I left that store immediately after seeing her.  I wanted to cry.  She had been the best friend I had ever had.  She understood me so well.  I still haven’t found a friendship as strong as that one was.  Perhaps it is for the better.  Maybe all the incredible friends I have now, when combined, are better than she ever was.  Maybe all of their individual awesome traits combined create my super support system, my laughing-until-I-can’t-breathe friends, and my tears and fears friends. 

As much as I know life continues on, I cannot believe how much I have yet to move on from this.  I know I will never have that friendship back. Four years later, and I cannot fully move on simply because I don’t understand why.  The “why’s” may lead to my own doom one day.   

The pain I feel whenever I recollect this friendship is still fresh.  Honestly, it's worse than a pain I've ever felt from a break-up with a boyfriend.  This pain is undying.  Fitting, isn't it?  Undying pain.  The best way to deal with it?  Push it aside.  I can't keep asking 'why' and trying to understand.  If they didn't want to provide insight then, they certainly won't want to now. So after a bit more moping and dwelling on what was, on what could have been, where it should be now...I will push it aside.  All of it.  And if I succeed in pushing it aside, I will be able to proceed with my life, I will be able to push forward, and I will be able to slowly reach a point of trusting other people again.  

Undying love? Ha. Undying pain.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Consistently Inconsistent

 I've certainly proven that I'm unable to regularly journal or blog. That I'm pulled to write when things are bad or awry or beyond my control, but rarely in a time where I feel joy, happiness or am at peace with things. We all know I'm here, journaling again, because I'm in my head. Feeling. Reflecting. Likely overthinking. As to be expected - consistently inconsistent.  I've been pushing myself for months now. Focusing on doing more, achieving more, earning more, finding more....always more . And I am so t i r e d. Somewhere along the way of trying to redefine myself and achieve goals I had set for myself, I lost sight of why I was doing things. What was motivating me. Why I set these goals. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Tick Tock

Tick Tock Tick tock That's the sound I hear, every time I debate changing something. That's the sound I hear when I wonder if the work I'm doing is enough It's the sound I hear when I wonder how I can make a bigger, better impact It's the sound I hear when I question my purpose and abilities Tick Tock…Tick Tock…Tick Tock. Over and over, I hear that same sound. Am I ready for a car? A house? A family? Tick Tock.  Will I ever be?
Post a Comment
Read more

Simplicity

I understand so many of us live incredibly busy lives.  I myself am a full-time university student, trying to keep my average above 70, hoping to start a new volunteering job, playing intramural sports at my university, and maintain my close relationship with my family, friends, and Wallee (inside joke/story! you know who you are).  I know of people that work two jobs, others that are in school full-time and working one or two jobs, and of course there are those that work full-time.  We all have our own additional stressors and troubles, which often cause us to become tense and uptight, moody, forlorn, wistful, nostalgic, and are simply draining mentally and emotionally. When I reflect on my life right now, I realize there are times I don't exactly enjoy it.  I'm not a fan of the way education is taught, graded, and judged and that often causes me displeasure in my studies.  Sometimes I just get run down, tired, and sick of all the pressure.  I'm sure man...
Post a Comment
Read more