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Undying Pain


I did something I shouldn’t have tonight.  I was on Facebook, creeped an old friend of mine.  I read a note they had posted, which referenced me…which referenced our broken friendship.  It stung to read it.  Really stung.  Honestly, it felt like it was happening all over again- the cold shoulder, the lack of explanation, the anger my friend radiated my direction…all of it came rushing back.  This happened four years ago.  Four years and it still hurts like it happened yesterday.  I could literally feel my heart wrenching, twisting in pain and shock of the unexpected. 

One of the hardest parts to understand is how it happened, and why.  I still don’t have answers.  I hate not having answers.  It causes me to be anxious.  I like knowing what is what, and why.  If someone is mad or happy or sad with me I want to know, and I want to know why.  I start to doubt them, and sometimes in turn myself, if they don’t say why. 


Four years…Seriously…how does it still hurt?  I saw her at the mall once, about two years back.  I could have sworn that day that she glared at me.  Today I think she may have tried to smile, but her eyes too, were filled with pain.  I left that store immediately after seeing her.  I wanted to cry.  She had been the best friend I had ever had.  She understood me so well.  I still haven’t found a friendship as strong as that one was.  Perhaps it is for the better.  Maybe all the incredible friends I have now, when combined, are better than she ever was.  Maybe all of their individual awesome traits combined create my super support system, my laughing-until-I-can’t-breathe friends, and my tears and fears friends. 

As much as I know life continues on, I cannot believe how much I have yet to move on from this.  I know I will never have that friendship back. Four years later, and I cannot fully move on simply because I don’t understand why.  The “why’s” may lead to my own doom one day.   

The pain I feel whenever I recollect this friendship is still fresh.  Honestly, it's worse than a pain I've ever felt from a break-up with a boyfriend.  This pain is undying.  Fitting, isn't it?  Undying pain.  The best way to deal with it?  Push it aside.  I can't keep asking 'why' and trying to understand.  If they didn't want to provide insight then, they certainly won't want to now. So after a bit more moping and dwelling on what was, on what could have been, where it should be now...I will push it aside.  All of it.  And if I succeed in pushing it aside, I will be able to proceed with my life, I will be able to push forward, and I will be able to slowly reach a point of trusting other people again.  

Undying love? Ha. Undying pain.  

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