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Car in the Mud

Seriously so incredibly restless these past few weeks.  It's one of those restless feelings that you know mean you need a break, need a vacation, need a change...without that it won't go away.  I've been hoping that I can push through this feeling until Christmas break.  After all, I have exams and projects I need to get through.  Unfortunately, despite the one or two days a week I have that are full of positive energy and productivity, I still struggle with pushing through.  Something is buried deep in me, some idea, and it is trying to surface.  Perhaps blogging will help.

I used the title 'car in the mud' as it is an accurate analogy of where my head, and heart, is at.  Driving along, coasting almost, enjoying life, the scenery, and the company of those in my vehicle of life.  All of a sudden the car lurches to a stop- somehow, without me noticing, I've driven directly into a huge puddle of mud.  It's so sticky, and when I try to drive out, I just sink deeper in the mud.  There is no four-wheel drive.
 Pushing the car and giving it all the gas I can doesn't help.  This is not a quick fix.  I'm in deep, and some time and effort need to be put into getting out of this mess. I need to evaluate my surroundings, and see if there's anything in my environment that I can use to help provide leverage, to help give the tires grip.  It won't be until I find something to grip onto, to slowly and lightly step on the gas with, that I'll be back driving again.

I thought I had found a few things to use to slowly edge out of the mud, but they failed to provide the grip I needed...the strength behind these things was lacking.  Back to square one.  Time to broaden my search, to think outside of the box, and to challenge the conventional.

Those of you that know me personally should be well aware that I am not a fan of the standard path society wishes us to all follow.  I disagree with many things that people view as mainstream and normal.  I don't go about life dying my hair bright colours or rebelling against everything that is the norm.  I often sit on the sidelines, quietly observing, critiquing, and evaluating.  Every once and again I voice my thoughts, but only when it is something I am highly passionate about.  Lately I've been critiquing the way society suggests university=good career.

Now, I do think being educated is important.  Highly important.  However, it is becoming clear to me that many university students don't have the 'experience' employers are looking for, but that college students don't have the extensive knowledge employers are looking for, hindering any potential advancement.  I'm 7.0 credits away from graduating- by the end of December, I'll be 5 credits away.  I already know my BA will get me nowhere, and have been contemplating if a master's is more to my benefit, or adding on a college diploma from a relevant field.  I don't like either option.  In fact, I don't like what I'm studying.  Well, I like it.  I find it interesting, but I have no desire to study it...rather I'd like to learn about it.

I guess that needs to be distinguished also...study vs learn. Studying, in my eyes, is more academic related.  You study- you are tested and challenged in an institution setting, increasing your understanding on various concepts.  However, I find that learning is more basic.  Learning can be a hobby.  Learning is by your free will, by your desire to want to know more.  Learning is enjoyable because the curiousity, want, and passion is there. You also don't have to pay thousands of dollars for it.

I no longer want to study my program.  I'd much rather learn about it, on the side, at my own pace, and without being judged on my progression and overall understanding of the content.  So now what?  Do I suck it up and push through the next few credits?  It is after all, only just over a year more.  But do I really want to pay for something I don't enjoy?  What do I enjoy?  Can I skip school all together and work my way up?

I thought I knew what I wanted.  Thought I knew where I was headed, had it all planned out.  Now I'm no longer sure.  I don't want office based work.  I want to be creative, I want to make a difference, I want to have a say, and have an input.  If I could, I'd take a year off and just volunteer at different organizations.  Unfortunately, I do not have any kind of monetary means to do so.

I'm still stuck, like a car in the mud.  I have all these ideas but I'm not ready to try any of them, in fear of becoming only more stuck.  I struggle to maintain focus.  My school work suffers- the passion doesn't go into it.  Passion is so key I think. Car in the mud. Stuck.  Restless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaLDRSg6vic

xoxo
S.

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