It's been an incredibly frustrating day. Actually, the past few months have been incredibly frustrating. What a change from my last blog post back in November (http://daybydayas.blogspot.com/2011/11/progress.html). A few months ago I went to the doctor's. I had been feeling incredibly stressed, and was beginning to dread leaving the house. I would hyperventilate hours before work, procrastinate and distract and then be late for class (which resulted in me not going at all); I would start to shake and cry for no reason and my senses became heightened, especially with noise. I have social anxiety.
I started seeing a therapist in November in hopes that I could pick apart what was triggering my anxiety attacks and then begin to conquer it. I go once or twice a month and talk about my family, work, school, my boyfriend, my friends, and my overall goals and views of the world. I had thought it was going well honestly, until today. I had this awesome day planned out- class, hangouts with a friend, and then dinner and a movie date with my boyfriend. Then I lost it. Finished putting my make-up on at home, and suddenly broke down. Crying, shaking, and unable to catch my breath. I couldn't stop. I would think that I was okay and then suddenly I would burst into tears again.
Not much needs to happen to cause me to have an attack. Today plans simply got delayed and were up in the air and it just became too overwhelming. I couldn't make a decision and didn't want to disappoint anyone, even though I had already talked myself into thinking that I had disappointed them already. What I feel and what I know are complete opposite when this happens. I feel: anger, confusion, panic, pressure, disappointment, anxious, unsure, doubtful and out of control. I know: that I am okay, that it will go away, that I am in control, that it would be helpful if I leave the house and do something, and that I am capable, smart, and beautiful. Talk about contradictory.
The conflict between what I feel and what I know make it worse. It makes me incredibly mad (I really should invest in a punching bag). I feel like a burden to the people I love and to the people that I care about. I feel like I'm slowly losing control of everything...school, work, my life..everything. This isn't me and it makes me mad. I'm not this person and I want to change it. But I honestly don't know how. I'm in a downward spiral and feel like I can't get out of it. I'll figure it out. I always do eventually.
xoxo
S.
I started seeing a therapist in November in hopes that I could pick apart what was triggering my anxiety attacks and then begin to conquer it. I go once or twice a month and talk about my family, work, school, my boyfriend, my friends, and my overall goals and views of the world. I had thought it was going well honestly, until today. I had this awesome day planned out- class, hangouts with a friend, and then dinner and a movie date with my boyfriend. Then I lost it. Finished putting my make-up on at home, and suddenly broke down. Crying, shaking, and unable to catch my breath. I couldn't stop. I would think that I was okay and then suddenly I would burst into tears again.
Not much needs to happen to cause me to have an attack. Today plans simply got delayed and were up in the air and it just became too overwhelming. I couldn't make a decision and didn't want to disappoint anyone, even though I had already talked myself into thinking that I had disappointed them already. What I feel and what I know are complete opposite when this happens. I feel: anger, confusion, panic, pressure, disappointment, anxious, unsure, doubtful and out of control. I know: that I am okay, that it will go away, that I am in control, that it would be helpful if I leave the house and do something, and that I am capable, smart, and beautiful. Talk about contradictory.
The conflict between what I feel and what I know make it worse. It makes me incredibly mad (I really should invest in a punching bag). I feel like a burden to the people I love and to the people that I care about. I feel like I'm slowly losing control of everything...school, work, my life..everything. This isn't me and it makes me mad. I'm not this person and I want to change it. But I honestly don't know how. I'm in a downward spiral and feel like I can't get out of it. I'll figure it out. I always do eventually.
xoxo
S.
You didnt dissapoint me.
ReplyDeleteI just have to control the situation for you