Love is a complicated emotion, but some kinds of love are more challenging, and more difficult than others. This evening I was reminded of that difficult kind of love, once again. It happens every once in awhile, though it seems to be more frequent lately. I know my love will never falter, I know it is true. I also know that it is perhaps more challenging than some other loves, and that it drains me even on the best of days, let alone how I know it tramples me on my bad days.
In order to continue, some explanation is necessary. Some of you that follow my blog know me personally, and know about my family. Others of you don't know the dynamics. In order for this post to make much sense, if any, I need to explain a portion of this dynamic.
I have a twin brother, along with two older siblings (5 years older, and 10 years older). My parents split when I was in elementary school, and my older siblings (due to age) moved out shortly after they split. Essentially the past 8 years of my life I have lived with my mom and twin brother. Seems decent, nothing special, right? There's a catch.
My twin has Asperger's. For those of you that don't know, asperger's is on the autism scale, and essentially means that individuals with asperger's have difficulty with social situations (often lag in 'social intelligence'), dislike change, struggle with emotions and understanding, have difficulty with eye contact, difficulty with planning/organizing, and often see things in 'black and white' (sarcasm can be hard to detect, and 'exceptions' to rules are hard to grasp). For those of you that watch Big Bang Theory, imagine a lesser degree of Sheldon.
(see http://faaas.org/ for a basic understanding).
Now, my brother has worked hard to be where he is. He does not take medication, but is able to maintain eye contact, realize that if someone is crying you normally offer them a hug, and normally catches on to sarcasm (although he rarely partakes in it). He has been an easy target for bullies, but now often stands up for himself. I couldn't be more proud of the man he's become. He's made huge strides, and although it will always take extra effort to have a relationship of any kind for him, he strives for them. He is beginning to recognize traits of his asperger's that he wants to work on/change, all by himself.
Like everything else in the world, positive aspects are often matched with negative aspects. It is extremely hard to communicate. Raising the voice can seem like yelling, the wrong sentence structure can cause him to feel attacked, and suggestions can come across as dictating, which often elicits an outburst. These outbursts range. They can be that of yelling, walking away, slamming cupboards, babbling, refusing to listen. He often reaches a place where you need to let him be simply because you won't reach him. Ten minutes later, you can often talk to him, but he needs to be able to calm down. Sometimes, if he is mad at my mom, I can talk him down immediately from an outside perspective and vice versa (my mom can talk him down for me).
Lately the outbursts have become more frequent, and often revolving around the same general theme. Me. This is new. I have never felt the wrath of his outbursts so personally before. It's hard. He goes from zero to ten in seconds at times**, and without understanding why, I can suddenly be the victim of his outburst. I get a verbal lashing: stubborn, selfish, get my way at all times, etc. As soon as it starts, I shut down. I can feel my emotions turning off, trying to protect myself, and reminding myself that he doesn't realize fully what he is saying, or how it can hurt me -that is, if I haven't already tuned out completely. This happened tonight. Less than two hours ago. It is still vividly imprinted in my mind, and it has likely completely disappeared from his recollection.
A friend of mine once said that they simply would have snapped by now. I simply laughed. He's my brother. He's my twin. I've grown up with him. I've protected him, like he's looked out for me. We share laughs, fears, and create ridiculously comical moments together. It isn't like any old sibling kind of relationship. I will always love him, fiercely. Probably too much at times. Some have told me I'm too much like a second mother to him than a sister at times, including him *laughs* . Perhaps this is my first inside look as to what it may feel like to be a parent one day.
Every outburst is draining. Whether it pertains to me, my mom, or neither of us. It takes practice, with how to handle them, it takes strength, it takes compassion, and it takes patience. There are days I sometimes cannot muster strength, compassion or patience, despite all of the practice I have had. Normally these days I end up crying, writing, running until I cannot breathe, or wishing for a punching bag to dole out all of my frustrations and exhaustions.
It is said that living with someone with asperger's is not about 'living with it', but about learning about the culture of it. You learn the triggers, behaviours, and lifestyle habits, just like you learn what makes them happy and what scares them. You also learn that your parents have different expectations from each of you *chuckles* To some extent, I have matured more quickly and have, therefore, more responsibilities. This used to be a large bone of contention between my mom and I, until I understood more that my brother simply isn't in the same place I am with his life. It's a balance of equality, fairness, and realistic expectations for all of us (my mom, my brother, and myself).
It's a difficult kind of love. Love-hate relationship. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I love my brother to pieces, I respect him, and I admire how far he has come. As exhausting as it can be, I wouldn't be the person I am today without our relationship, the way it is. His asperger's isn't a negative, or bad, thing. It's simply a part of his uniqueness. Just like any individual, you have to get to know those with asperger's. We all have our quirks, pleasures, annoyances, fears, difficulties, and hindrances. We all deserve respect, even on the worst of days.
xoxo,
S.
**Although stated a few paragraphs above that my brothers outbursts tend to range from screaming, walking away, slamming doors, babbling etc, for clarification sake I would like to note that my brother is not, in by any means violent in nature. He has never been violent
In order to continue, some explanation is necessary. Some of you that follow my blog know me personally, and know about my family. Others of you don't know the dynamics. In order for this post to make much sense, if any, I need to explain a portion of this dynamic.
I have a twin brother, along with two older siblings (5 years older, and 10 years older). My parents split when I was in elementary school, and my older siblings (due to age) moved out shortly after they split. Essentially the past 8 years of my life I have lived with my mom and twin brother. Seems decent, nothing special, right? There's a catch.
My twin has Asperger's. For those of you that don't know, asperger's is on the autism scale, and essentially means that individuals with asperger's have difficulty with social situations (often lag in 'social intelligence'), dislike change, struggle with emotions and understanding, have difficulty with eye contact, difficulty with planning/organizing, and often see things in 'black and white' (sarcasm can be hard to detect, and 'exceptions' to rules are hard to grasp). For those of you that watch Big Bang Theory, imagine a lesser degree of Sheldon.
(see http://faaas.org/ for a basic understanding).
Now, my brother has worked hard to be where he is. He does not take medication, but is able to maintain eye contact, realize that if someone is crying you normally offer them a hug, and normally catches on to sarcasm (although he rarely partakes in it). He has been an easy target for bullies, but now often stands up for himself. I couldn't be more proud of the man he's become. He's made huge strides, and although it will always take extra effort to have a relationship of any kind for him, he strives for them. He is beginning to recognize traits of his asperger's that he wants to work on/change, all by himself.
Like everything else in the world, positive aspects are often matched with negative aspects. It is extremely hard to communicate. Raising the voice can seem like yelling, the wrong sentence structure can cause him to feel attacked, and suggestions can come across as dictating, which often elicits an outburst. These outbursts range. They can be that of yelling, walking away, slamming cupboards, babbling, refusing to listen. He often reaches a place where you need to let him be simply because you won't reach him. Ten minutes later, you can often talk to him, but he needs to be able to calm down. Sometimes, if he is mad at my mom, I can talk him down immediately from an outside perspective and vice versa (my mom can talk him down for me).
Lately the outbursts have become more frequent, and often revolving around the same general theme. Me. This is new. I have never felt the wrath of his outbursts so personally before. It's hard. He goes from zero to ten in seconds at times**, and without understanding why, I can suddenly be the victim of his outburst. I get a verbal lashing: stubborn, selfish, get my way at all times, etc. As soon as it starts, I shut down. I can feel my emotions turning off, trying to protect myself, and reminding myself that he doesn't realize fully what he is saying, or how it can hurt me -that is, if I haven't already tuned out completely. This happened tonight. Less than two hours ago. It is still vividly imprinted in my mind, and it has likely completely disappeared from his recollection.
A friend of mine once said that they simply would have snapped by now. I simply laughed. He's my brother. He's my twin. I've grown up with him. I've protected him, like he's looked out for me. We share laughs, fears, and create ridiculously comical moments together. It isn't like any old sibling kind of relationship. I will always love him, fiercely. Probably too much at times. Some have told me I'm too much like a second mother to him than a sister at times, including him *laughs* . Perhaps this is my first inside look as to what it may feel like to be a parent one day.
Every outburst is draining. Whether it pertains to me, my mom, or neither of us. It takes practice, with how to handle them, it takes strength, it takes compassion, and it takes patience. There are days I sometimes cannot muster strength, compassion or patience, despite all of the practice I have had. Normally these days I end up crying, writing, running until I cannot breathe, or wishing for a punching bag to dole out all of my frustrations and exhaustions.
It is said that living with someone with asperger's is not about 'living with it', but about learning about the culture of it. You learn the triggers, behaviours, and lifestyle habits, just like you learn what makes them happy and what scares them. You also learn that your parents have different expectations from each of you *chuckles* To some extent, I have matured more quickly and have, therefore, more responsibilities. This used to be a large bone of contention between my mom and I, until I understood more that my brother simply isn't in the same place I am with his life. It's a balance of equality, fairness, and realistic expectations for all of us (my mom, my brother, and myself).
It's a difficult kind of love. Love-hate relationship. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I love my brother to pieces, I respect him, and I admire how far he has come. As exhausting as it can be, I wouldn't be the person I am today without our relationship, the way it is. His asperger's isn't a negative, or bad, thing. It's simply a part of his uniqueness. Just like any individual, you have to get to know those with asperger's. We all have our quirks, pleasures, annoyances, fears, difficulties, and hindrances. We all deserve respect, even on the worst of days.
xoxo,
S.
**Although stated a few paragraphs above that my brothers outbursts tend to range from screaming, walking away, slamming doors, babbling etc, for clarification sake I would like to note that my brother is not, in by any means violent in nature. He has never been violent
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