Day by Day AS ...

Two friends and I were having a conversation many days ago, and I am gracious enough to give them thanks for my topic tonight- selfishness. What does it mean to be selfish really?  Where does a line get drawn between being selfish and just saying no and consequently putting yourself first?  According to Webster, selfish has two meanings that are applicable:    1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself   :   seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.

It's been an incredibly frustrating day.  Actually, the past few months have been incredibly frustrating.  What a change from my last blog post back in November ( http://daybydayas.blogspot.com/2011/11/progress.html ).  A few months ago I went to the doctor's.  I had been feeling incredibly stressed, and was beginning to dread leaving the house. I would hyperventilate hours before work, procrastinate and distract and then be late for class (which resulted in me not going at all); I would start to shake and cry for no reason and my senses became heightened, especially with noise.  I have social anxiety.

It's been a long few months.  School has kept me busy, and then work as well.  If you really want to, you could throw in my continuous failed attempts at finding a boyfriend.  Simply put, life has happened.  School is school.  Work is work.  Boys are boys.  Life is life. Since September though, I like to think I've come a long way as an individual.  I've learned more about myself in the past two to three months than I thought was possible.  I'm slowly growing consequently, and discovering new things about myself.  I know now how much I can handle when I need to.  I also know now that there are a lot of times I think I can handle a lot, but I can't.  And I also learned it really is okay to ask for help. Nothing monumental has occurred in the past little while, but the thoughts and self-discovery has felt huge. The thoughts and emotions have been like a stream, slowly and continuously trickling between rocks.

Should be studying for midterms, should be cleaning, should be working. All that means is that it is a perfect time to write and sort some thoughts out. I have been so incredibly stuck lately. I have been stuck in nearly every sense you could imagine, except for the obvious- physically. I haven't gotten stuck in the mud, or caught in the rain or anything like that. I guess the mud and rain could go hand in hand, especially with it being such a rainy autumn here. However, I have been stuck in many other aspects. Stuck in: my writing, my head, school, anxiety, and fear. I have become someone I didn't think was possible. I have become someone I don't know when I look in the mirror. Who is that girl looking back? The one that looks so beautiful but doesn't believe it. The girl that looks put together and happy and thriving. I truly don't recognize her. I don't recognize her because I don't feel any of it. I've reached that point in my life whe...

Always inside of my head. Rarely ever out. Game after game after game. Psyching myself out. Is it good, bad? Is it right, wrong? Is it going to work, fail? Is it honest and true? Is it worth it? What is worth? How do we measure it? Why.. do we care so much And judge ourselves so harshly comparing ourselves to each other and others to us and our past. ~~~~~~~~ It makes one wonder. Or at least it makes me wonder. Wonder why we do what we do. Why it seems like we are programmed to

As I've grown older I realize the power of words more and more. Especially on days like today.  I'm sure you all understand what I mean- those days where everything you say seems to be wrong? Or how about that day when you just can't find the right word? The words just keep flowing through your mind, becoming jumbled.  You just cannot pin them down.  Yup, one of those days.  So you start to figure that tomorrow will be a better day. What hope, what belief, what imagination. How can tomorrow be better?  Tomorrow never actually comes.  To say that tomorrow will be better and to believe it... that is quite the belief.  How can you believe in something unattainable? Yet we do.  We all do.  You see the belief in the unattainable so many times.  A belief in things that we know aren't true, but desperately wish could be. 

It's been a long time since anything has been posted.  Far too long.  Life has been busy.  Exams, got a job, quit the job, grandma died, found two new jobs, contemplated a relationship, dismissed another, and now currently visiting my sister in BC. I felt in such need of a vacation.  I don't really have the money to afford it, but I don't feel the need to spend money either.  Life had been draining for too long, and I had been stuck in a rut. I lacked motivation and desire to get out of bed, and then once out of bed I did not want to do anything but sit and watch time go by.  I had a hard time cooking food and only ate when I began to feel weak, for the sake of eating.  The days had blended into one another so well. I couldn't figure things out that I wanted to figure out.  I was truly stuck in a rut.  I wanted to understand why I reacted the way I did to my Grandmother's death.  I wanted to understand why I felt an overwhelming