Stuck

Should be studying for midterms, should be cleaning, should be working. All that means is that it is a perfect time to write and sort some thoughts out.

I have been so incredibly stuck lately. I have been stuck in nearly every sense you could imagine, except for the obvious- physically. I haven't gotten stuck in the mud, or caught in the rain or anything like that. I guess the mud and rain could go hand in hand, especially with it being such a rainy autumn here.

However, I have been stuck in many other aspects. Stuck in: my writing, my head, school, anxiety, and fear. I have become someone I didn't think was possible. I have become someone I don't know when I look in the mirror. Who is that girl looking back? The one that looks so beautiful but doesn't believe it. The girl that looks put together and happy and thriving. I truly don't recognize her. I don't recognize her because I don't feel any of it. I've reached that point in my life where I am struggling to grasp who I am as in individual, and who I want to be. I am stuck.

We all reach this point. Some of us will reach it more than once, some of us as teens, some as young adults, some as adults. But we all do go through it. We can't go through life without becoming stuck. I believe that I am inhibiting myself by not looking at things properly. Normally writing helps, but I can't seem to write much these days, so I have reached the conclusion that there is something I am overlooking.

I've looked at my schooling. I am not entirely happy with where I am right now but I have planned out where I want to go next year, the new direction I want to take. But I still have to make it through this year. I've looked at my family. I love them immensely and see nothing in my relationship with them that could cause this feeling of lost identity. I recently started counselling to help me overcome my anxiety regarding presentations and being judged, and also to try and look into my family environment growing up. See how much of a role it has played, and how I can change it to make me a better person.

I keep reaching the same conclusion. It's all in my head. And every time I am able to pinpoint it to relationships, love. It isn't that I don't feel loved. I know my friends and my family love me. It is about me not loving myself enough. I do love myself. I love many qualities about myself but I have not yet reached a place where I have accepted all of who I am. That must be why I am stuck.

I spent almost 3 years in two relationships. 8 months long distance, and then when that ended I began my 18month relationship. It was back to back and they occurred at a time I probably could have benefited more by being alone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my relationships very much, and I still have a place for both of these individuals in my heart. What I mean is I haven't taken much time to discover myself as an individual. Even in the past year and a half since my last serious relationship ended I have been looking for someone new. I love being in a relationship. I don't like being alone. For that reason, I am starting to come to the conclusion that maybe it wouldn't be all bad if I stopped looking. I'm not going to run per say if an opportunity arises, but maybe I'll stop searching for someone else and start searching for myself. I think it is a pretty good idea. How I will do this is a completely different matter, but I'll figure that out eventually too.

I believe I'm nearly unstuck. My boots are still 5 inches deep in the mud, but I've got one socked foot out. Let's see if I can balance for long enough to get my other foot out too, before I fall face first into the mud.