It's been a long time since anything has been posted. Far too long. Life has been busy. Exams, got a job, quit the job, grandma died, found two new jobs, contemplated a relationship, dismissed another, and now currently visiting my sister in BC.
I felt in such need of a vacation. I don't really have the money to afford it, but I don't feel the need to spend money either. Life had been draining for too long, and I had been stuck in a rut. I lacked motivation and desire to get out of bed, and then once out of bed I did not want to do anything but sit and watch time go by. I had a hard time cooking food and only ate when I began to feel weak, for the sake of eating. The days had blended into one another so well.
I couldn't figure things out that I wanted to figure out. I was truly stuck in a rut. I wanted to understand why I reacted the way I did to my Grandmother's death. I wanted to understand why I felt an overwhelming
emptiness in me. I loved her, yes, and I had much respect for her but I never felt a large attachment to her. I still don't understand why the feeling of emptiness was so prominent those few weeks leading up to her passing, and the ensuing ones.
I had known I needed permanent, full-time employment yet I couldn't find the motivation to get out and look. I made up excuses. I quit the job I did have, and I quit just because I couldn't get myself out of the house. I used to persevere and give things a chance and suddenly I was just giving up. Not on money or employment, but on myself. I began to doubt myself and my life. It wasn't depression. I wasn't sad. I just lacked motivation.
I felt hopeless regarding a friend. Wanting to understand the dynamics, wanting to put a label on things. It was driving me crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and that put me even further into a rut. I couldn't stop doubting, yet I couldn't stop hoping. I began to understand how difficult it is to distinguish a line that allows one to put themselves first. I was in a constant battle of whether to wait or ditch. I wanted something that wasn't there, or at least not where I wanted it.
I had felt an idea stirring inside of me. But I couldn't figure out what it was. I struggled to determine what was inside of me, but wasn't willing to emerge. I talked to friends and family trying to determine what could be stuck on my mind. Money? Boys? Life? School? The corruption of society? I was stuck. The rut my life was in was holding me back from unlocking what I held in my mind. I needed an escape. I needed to get out. I needed a vacation.
I clung to the idea of getting away and running from the rut I have been stuck in for so long. Only one more month, 3 more weeks. It got me through the days. I eventually realized that running wouldn't help. I had ran from so much in the past to protect myself from being vulnerable. I didn't need to do it again. I needed a change. It may have taken a bit of alcohol in my system to help me reach that realization, but I reached it nonetheless, and it has stuck with me.
I began my tackling the relationship bit. I had many reservations but I had held it all in for so long that it just came out. I was up until 6am that day. I took care of money issues by getting two part-time jobs. I hate them both, but until I can find something that better suits me, I will use the knowledge that I am getting paid to keep me going. I began to write again, to overcome the feeling of emptiness I felt regarding my Grandma's passing. I entered a short story and poem into a contest. Things began to get better.
Now I am sitting on the rooftop patio of my sister's apartment in BC, enjoying the view and surrounding nature. I know that we all have our weeks, sometimes months that we get stuck. And sometimes it may take a bit of alcohol to loosen the thoughts that we need to become unstuck. But I am unstuck. I even realized what the idea was that had been locked in my mind. I want to help. I want to change the community I live in, and I do have an idea. The idea isn't something that will come together easily, and it is truly adventurous of me but I feel I can do it if I want to. The idea is going to stay with me for a bit longer; I do not want to share it with people until I believe I can make something like it work. I have some research to do. Let's meet back here in a few months, and see if being unstuck has been worth it. I think it will be.
I felt in such need of a vacation. I don't really have the money to afford it, but I don't feel the need to spend money either. Life had been draining for too long, and I had been stuck in a rut. I lacked motivation and desire to get out of bed, and then once out of bed I did not want to do anything but sit and watch time go by. I had a hard time cooking food and only ate when I began to feel weak, for the sake of eating. The days had blended into one another so well.
I couldn't figure things out that I wanted to figure out. I was truly stuck in a rut. I wanted to understand why I reacted the way I did to my Grandmother's death. I wanted to understand why I felt an overwhelming
emptiness in me. I loved her, yes, and I had much respect for her but I never felt a large attachment to her. I still don't understand why the feeling of emptiness was so prominent those few weeks leading up to her passing, and the ensuing ones.
I had known I needed permanent, full-time employment yet I couldn't find the motivation to get out and look. I made up excuses. I quit the job I did have, and I quit just because I couldn't get myself out of the house. I used to persevere and give things a chance and suddenly I was just giving up. Not on money or employment, but on myself. I began to doubt myself and my life. It wasn't depression. I wasn't sad. I just lacked motivation.
I felt hopeless regarding a friend. Wanting to understand the dynamics, wanting to put a label on things. It was driving me crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and that put me even further into a rut. I couldn't stop doubting, yet I couldn't stop hoping. I began to understand how difficult it is to distinguish a line that allows one to put themselves first. I was in a constant battle of whether to wait or ditch. I wanted something that wasn't there, or at least not where I wanted it.
I had felt an idea stirring inside of me. But I couldn't figure out what it was. I struggled to determine what was inside of me, but wasn't willing to emerge. I talked to friends and family trying to determine what could be stuck on my mind. Money? Boys? Life? School? The corruption of society? I was stuck. The rut my life was in was holding me back from unlocking what I held in my mind. I needed an escape. I needed to get out. I needed a vacation.
I clung to the idea of getting away and running from the rut I have been stuck in for so long. Only one more month, 3 more weeks. It got me through the days. I eventually realized that running wouldn't help. I had ran from so much in the past to protect myself from being vulnerable. I didn't need to do it again. I needed a change. It may have taken a bit of alcohol in my system to help me reach that realization, but I reached it nonetheless, and it has stuck with me.
I began my tackling the relationship bit. I had many reservations but I had held it all in for so long that it just came out. I was up until 6am that day. I took care of money issues by getting two part-time jobs. I hate them both, but until I can find something that better suits me, I will use the knowledge that I am getting paid to keep me going. I began to write again, to overcome the feeling of emptiness I felt regarding my Grandma's passing. I entered a short story and poem into a contest. Things began to get better.
Now I am sitting on the rooftop patio of my sister's apartment in BC, enjoying the view and surrounding nature. I know that we all have our weeks, sometimes months that we get stuck. And sometimes it may take a bit of alcohol to loosen the thoughts that we need to become unstuck. But I am unstuck. I even realized what the idea was that had been locked in my mind. I want to help. I want to change the community I live in, and I do have an idea. The idea isn't something that will come together easily, and it is truly adventurous of me but I feel I can do it if I want to. The idea is going to stay with me for a bit longer; I do not want to share it with people until I believe I can make something like it work. I have some research to do. Let's meet back here in a few months, and see if being unstuck has been worth it. I think it will be.
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