Day by Day AS ...

What else is there to say? Doesn't 'topsy turvey' say it all??? It happens when everything feels so out of place, or you feel so disconnected from everything else. Nothing is right, yet everything is perfect. What way is up, and what way is down? What is right, and what is wrong? What is an opinion, and what is a fact? Are your feelings real? Justified? Or is it just a mind game? Do you know yourself well enough to figure out what is real and what isn't? My mind can't stop racing. This Christmas vacation, a time of family, friends, love, laughter and giving, it has been so different than I ever anticipated. Decisions I have to make, being torn between friends, being tugged by my heart in different directions... many things are not as simple as they seem to be, or as anticipated. This vacation has been so full of bumps and holes and unexpected heartache, pain, and hurt. What makes it all worse is that I thought I knew myself. When things such as this happe...

It's been quite awhile since anything has been posted, especially by me. I have been incredibly busy with midterms, finals and projects. The past month I have pretty much lived in a hole. I haven't seen many of my friends, or if I have it has been for an extremely short period of time. Even my boyfriend... it is a long distance relationship, and he keeps having to come here to see me. I haven't been up to his place in a month. I know school is my priority- I need to do well, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm not doing things right. Something feels off. I think maybe it might be related to the fact that I almost lost my friends a year ago. I was in a relationship that took up my entire time- it took me away from my school, my friends, my family and myself. I lost myself. My outlook on life became quite negative, and this past summer allowed me to become positive again. That relationship is behind me, and I'm back to my smiling self. I know ...

Everyone says you need to experience a broken heart to know true love But they usually imply that another individual is involved Yet some people feel broken-hearted when they are alone Why? 'Cause they are afraid to be loved We sometimes are so afraid of love that we put walls or barriers around our hearts and souls to keep out the hurt Some are easily penetrated while others may never be My barrier is quite strong, it might not appear like that at first glance but it is Very few people have been allowed through this barrier I am scared I am scared to be that weeping girl in her bedroom Crying about some boy About some boy who took the world from her I never wanted to be this girl I knew I was stronger than that Yet I have created this barrier that very few seem to penetrate I now realized I have only hurt myself With pushing out the hurt, I have pushed out the love as well I sit here around walls that are plain and lifeless But how do I break them down? All at once? Start...

Familiarity. Confidence. Independence. Strength. All of these things intertwine with one another. All of these things -together or alone- can get you through the ups and downs of life. They can get you through awkward encounters with old friends, long classes where you don't know a soul, lack of money, struggles in the family, and the likes. Even more simple yet, it comes down to belief. The belief that you have in yourself. If you believe in yourself and all that you do, you cannot go wrong, not really. Although you will make mistakes still, because you believe in yourself things will work out, and you will learn. It's the circle of life.

It's interesting, isn't it? The way the world works and everything. I mean, you get up every morning and prepare yourself for the day ahead. Work versus school, ones individual preparations versus family preparations. You go through the day, come home and eat, maybe clean and do some laundry. Finally, you get ready for bed, and await the sharp shrill of your alarm in eight hours time - if you are lucky enough to sleep for that long. Is this what life is? The same thing five to seven days a week, for the span of one's lifetime? Preschool: one to two years. Elementary school:about ten years. High school: four or five years. Post secondary: three to eight years. Career: undisclosed number of years. Working and learning and studying accounts for 18 years of our lifespan, easily. Reality is, for most of us, we don't really get an opportunity to live life the way we want to. I used to think maybe the only true chance was before one hit the age of three, but one is...

Jealously seems to be befriending me lately - but why? I have family and friends who love me and a roof over my head I have food, clothes, and items just for me Why then is jealously befriending me? I find them most when I want something but don't need it Yet I know I don't need it, so why is jealously befriending me? I don't like them much, they make me think of ways that I wish not to think I don't want to be desperate, rude or pathetic But that's what this relationship does to me Why must you keep appearing at times I don't want you to? Stop befriending me! I don't want you in my presence, You make me think things I shouldn't I don't need this, I have all the things I need already So jealously stop befriend me!

It is the beginning of October, and my life is slowly becoming chaotic. I have 15 hours of class crammed into two days, volunteering 3-5 hours a week, am looking for a job that will allow me to work 12-16 hours a week, and am trying to maintain a social life between friends, family, and my boyfriend. Did I mention that midterms begin in two weeks? Last May I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish over the summer. I was able to cross everything off of my list, except for one thing: "Rediscover motivation." It would have been great for me to accomplish that, as that is where I am currently struggling. My life would be so much easier if I had motivation. I already have the organizational skills, and the time to do everything. So what does motivation consist of anyways? As much as I do not like to consult in Wikipedia, it actually has my favourite description of motivation: "Motivation is the activation of goal-oriented behavior. Motivation is said to be intrinsic o...