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Topsy Turvey

What else is there to say? Doesn't 'topsy turvey' say it all??? It happens when everything feels so out of place, or you feel so disconnected from everything else. Nothing is right, yet everything is perfect. What way is up, and what way is down? What is right, and what is wrong? What is an opinion, and what is a fact? Are your feelings real? Justified? Or is it just a mind game? Do you know yourself well enough to figure out what is real and what isn't?

My mind can't stop racing. This Christmas vacation, a time of family, friends, love, laughter and giving, it has been so different than I ever anticipated. Decisions I have to make, being torn between friends, being tugged by my heart in different directions... many things are not as simple as they seem to be, or as anticipated. This vacation has been so full of bumps and holes and unexpected heartache, pain, and hurt.

What makes it all worse is that I thought I knew myself. When things such as this happen, when I let it happen to me, I often doubt how much I truly do know of myself. I often doubt how much confidence I have in myself and the people around me. But really, it shouldn't affect me the way it does. I mean, nothing and nobody can be perfect, as perfection is simply an opinion. So why, then, do I expect so much from myself? When things turn the wrong way I almost always berate myself, and I shouldn't. I used to be so strong, and so positive. I'm not sure if this means I am weak, or if I am simply allowing myself to feel, which actually shows more strength.

I of all people should know- who should know myself better than I? But since I shape myself so much off of how other act around me, react to me, and view me, maybe I know less of myself than I ever thought was possible.

Discovering ourselves is a constant, ongoing process that is ever changing. When we think we know who we are, and what we stand for, a curve ball is thrown and smacks us right in the nose- you can't miss it that way. I guess it's all about how you handle those curve balls. Positively? Negatively? Do you run? Try and scare it away? Face it head on? Analyze it?

I have yet to figure out what I do with those curve balls. I think a lot of the time, I try and run and dodge from them as long as possible- you can usually see them coming after all. Denial I guess. Fear even, maybe. Time I guess will tell how I handle these few curve balls.

Time is such an incredibly powerful factor.

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