Day by Day AS ...

 I've certainly proven that I'm unable to regularly journal or blog. That I'm pulled to write when things are bad or awry or beyond my control, but rarely in a time where I feel joy, happiness or am at peace with things. We all know I'm here, journaling again, because I'm in my head. Feeling. Reflecting. Likely overthinking. As to be expected - consistently inconsistent.  I've been pushing myself for months now. Focusing on doing more, achieving more, earning more, finding more....always more . And I am so t i r e d. Somewhere along the way of trying to redefine myself and achieve goals I had set for myself, I lost sight of why I was doing things. What was motivating me. Why I set these goals. 

Ever since COVID-19 started making headlines, I had a stirring in my gut that told me this would be something bigger than we could imagine.  Yet, here we are, and I certainly didn't imagine this. These times truly are extraordinary. What a word. Extraordinary. Ex-traordinary. Extra-ordinary. Extraordinary. A word that, I'm sure, held a positive association for the majority of us, for most of our lives. Suddenly, I'm fascinated by just how fluid and yet complex that word really is. These times are extraordinary - without the normal excitement we've come to associate with the word.

Disclaimer: I was going through some old blogs and found this one, sitting unpublished. I know why it was unpublished. I know why it, maybe, should stay unpublished. But, alas, here we are. This is a few years old, but as I re-read it, I saw some beauty in it. Some great lessons and learnings. And beauty in the love. So, I published it. Because maybe someone else will relate. Maybe it will connect with someone. Maybe it won't. But here it is.  We all know the story- guy meets girl (or guy meets guy...or girl meets girl...you get the idea). They date.  They fall "in love."  Most of them break-up, some stay together.  How is this story any different than a break-up so many of us experience in our lifetime? I'm not sure it is, but I know for me it has been an active process of reflection and trying to piece my life back together. Nearly 3 years spent together, with trips to NYC, Pennsylvania, San Francisco, and Vancouver, gifts given, tears shed, laughter and smil...

I found myself earlier reflecting on yesterday - was it a bad day, or was it a good day? I don't usually label my days as bad or good, to be clear, but yesterday wasn't a regular day. Niagara Falls, Ontario The short of it: I had an anxiety attack, in the rain, in downtown London, on the way to an event with my partner who had yet to witness an attack. The works - tears, hyperventilation, nervous energy and jitters. But to truly elaborate the perspective bit, there is a longer story to it.  I think it's important to add context, to shape why it was a matter of a bad day vs good day. So here we go.

No filter, just me. The standard, the usual. Welcome back, I've missed you dearly. It's a blistering 28 degrees outside, feeling like 39 (Celsius, because I'm Canadian). And yet I'm curled up inside, sipping on red wine, with candles lit, singer-songwriter tunes playing, and a fake fire on the TV.  I'm listening to my soul and I couldn't be happier. Although happy, I'm sad, too. Well, perhaps not sad. Perhaps reflective with a touch of wistfulness is a better description. Feeling a bit misunderstood, a bit hopeful.  A bit skeptical, a bit optimistic. A dash of introspection and a huge amount of unfiltered thoughts. Contemplating life, contemplating the world. I could get into the weeds, dive into the mess that we call love.  I could keep it happier, and update on my life.  I could write about anything tonight - my mood is there. I'm stuck reflecting on relationships and the future, however, so there I shall go. I find myself, at the ripe age of n...

This post isn't long. It's short, by my standards. But I don't feel the need to write a winding post - not this time, anyway. This morning,  my alarm goes off like most mornings… but today is different - I'm already awake.  I haven't slept much - the thoughts don't seem to leave my head. Reading doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. I lie in bed wondering if I have to get up.  Remember it's Monday - I work. Start to wonder how many sick days I have left. I just want to go back to sleep. Stay in bed all day. Too much going on in the world. Too much to juggle in my personal life.  A lot of changes at once and yet I keep making myself busier. I take a mental health day, but I'm in tears doing it.  I feel a huge amount of disappointment shrouding me - are they judging me? Do I really need to take today off? Am I weak? Am I just taking the easy way out?

Tick Tock Tick tock That's the sound I hear, every time I debate changing something. That's the sound I hear when I wonder if the work I'm doing is enough It's the sound I hear when I wonder how I can make a bigger, better impact It's the sound I hear when I question my purpose and abilities Tick Tock…Tick Tock…Tick Tock. Over and over, I hear that same sound. Am I ready for a car? A house? A family? Tick Tock.  Will I ever be?

Today was a great day. The weather was that of a perfect autumn day – cool and crisp in the morning, with a warm sun in the afternoon. The leaves are a gorgeous array of fall colours, making my drive on the highway so much more enjoyable today. I finally complete my license, and have my G (#procrastinator). I went and did some errands, avoided weekend crowds, and saw some family too. An amazing evening lined up, with dinner and a movie, Friday was shaping up so well. But then, then it reared its ugly, ugly head – my anxiety. I was only starting to get ready, when suddenly I could feel it. Tears were welling, my hands were shaking, my breath was quickening, and I could feel my heart beginning to race. I tried to quell it- it’s been a long time since I’ve had an anxiety attack. I’ve worked hard for it: staying active, eating well, sleeping well, and trying to stay busy. I was happy. So when my anxiety bubbled, I tried to ground myself. I focused on my breathing, I began to text a fr...

I want to be authentic and open. I want to approach people. Pursue opportunities. Show people all the grace and good that the world offers. I believe I can, but only when I'm at my best. I need to be the best version of myself to do so. But how? We create our own paths. Makers of our own hope. Just like we build the walls to our own life. We choose who can see through the windows. Who can come through the door. Who we give the key to. Vulnerability and trust is up to us. We decide what we do. Who we see. How we act. How we live and how we love.

My dearest readers, it may seem like I've taken a long hiatus, but it's been quite the opposite.  I have so many blog posts from the past nine months that I drafted, and never posted. The only real reason I can see is fear. Fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable. Fear of impacting those reading the blog. Fear of making people close to the blog post vulnerable, or stirring up old emotions they have long since dealt with. I wrote, I saved, I tucked them all away, for private eyes only. I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted.  So for now, they remain tucked away. But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then.  My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was in...

Have you ever been out of breath?  Have you experienced hyperventilation?  Have your hands become clammy?  What about your senses- have those ever been heightened to the point where it seems like everyone is yelling, when the lights are so bright you feel like you should be wearing sunglasses?  Have you broken down crying out of sheer exhaustion from trying so hard and failing?  Have you made plans and then cancelled last minute, all to stay home and wonder how angry they are at you for cancelling?  What about being mad at yourself, for knowing you’re okay but being unable to believe it? Have you missed work or school because of a mental wall that’s so big you don’t even know how to begin to scale it?  Have you refused to answer the phone or call someone else because you don’t know how the conversation will go?  Do you avoid real people in banks and checkout lines?  Have you ever been angry at yourself for not being the person you think oth...

My dearest friends, I apologize for my prolonged absence (with the exception of my latest post), but for an extended period of time I felt like I had nothing to post. I was blissfully content with my life and -if you know me well enough- I don't tend to turn to writing unless I'm working through something.  Writing is an outlet, and when one is blissfully content, one doesn't tend to need an outlet.  But I digress. I have been doing some soul searching as of late, with results I never would have foreseen.  After numerous lows battling my anxieties, I have now embraced them.  I now am craving to challenge myself, push myself, and see just how far I can test my boundaries.  I'm ready for something new, so new things are happening.  I want to grow.  I want to blossom.  I want to take the drive, my passion, my capabilities and push myself to find out more about myself.  I finally feel ready.  Now don't get me wrong, I am scared beyond be...

I used to believe that all I had to do, was understand how to compromise.  The biggest tool I could have was that of compromise, or so I thought.  If I could master how to manipulate and shift situations to create a win-win of sorts for both parties, I would be set.  I would never lose.  So I worked, for many years with many people, on how to compromise.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I, unfortunately, now am beginning to think my efforts to master compromise –while admirable and of importance- were largely futile.  Compromise certainly has its time and its place, however I have begun to suspect that acceptance is far more powerful and far more important than the ability to compromise. I do not mean to undermine or minimize the results compromise can bring forth; often, dialogue between two people is unintentionally an effort to reach middle ground, to find some sort of familiarity to reconcile or meet upon.  It would seem compromise p...

Hello readers!  It's been a ridiculously long time since I have last posted.  My apologies!  But rest assured, I have a feeling that is all about to change (and no, not simply because I'm writing right now)!  I've come to recognize that I tend to feel the urge to blog during autumn and winter months, in addition to using blogging as a tool to procrastinate from school work (and it is a wonderfuuul procrastination tool, I promise you that). But I digress. Life has been fairly crazy lately to say the least. I'll give you a quick summary right now, just to keep everyone up to speed :) So I last posted wayyyy back in May (seriously, that was a whole other season ago! I really have been slacking!!).  Since then, I have not only been unemployed (three weeks working with my brother(s) and staging my mom's boyfriends house does not count as work), but I've been bored.  A lot.  I seriously cannot figure out how I lasted all summer without being bored out of ...

I have never quite understood why we have been shaped to believe that negative emotions are meant only to be shown behind closed doors. It's puzzled me for years.  If I'm sad on my way to work, why can't I cry on the bus?  Why can't I yell if I stub my toe walking in the park? It isn't even just in public, but I find that often family and friends will try and automatically put a positive spin on negative situations.  Why can't we simply feel that emotion- why is it that people around us, people we care about and vice versa, tell us to "look at the bright side"??  Are we that scared of getting to know ourselves?  Scared of loneliness, rejection, being weak?  How about being human?? From a young age we are taught not to cry- men and women alike.  How many of you had parents tell you "you're okay" after scraping your knee?  Or tell you to "stop whining" when you didn't like something?  As much as I feel there is great ...

It's been quite awhile since I've sat down and wrote- what better way to get back into it than by writing a Mother's Day post??? We all have mothers, and I'm sure the majority of us think ours are the best of the best, creme de la creme, and the greatest of them all.  The best part is, we're all right.  To each of us, our mothers are the best and we couldn't imagine anyone greater.  We have our own bonds with our mothers and these bonds only deepen the love and utmost respect we have for them.  They've put up with a lot from us kids, and I'm sure they'll put up with much more.   For all you mothers out there, give this link a read- I feel it captures the reality of what it means to be a Mom in every aspect, and then some:  Mother- the good, the bad and the funny .   The rest of this post is dedicated to my Mom.  For years, I have put my Mom up on a pedestal, holding her is the highest respect.  She has always given her heart and soul to m...

For so long we have been told not to be innocent bystanders- that we need to stand up for those around us. But what about standing up for ourselves?  I'm not talking simply standing up to a bully, but truly standing up for ourselves.  For our beliefs.  Our values.  The way our individual minds work.  Standing up for our quirks and our negative qualities (we all have them- we aren't perfect...perfection isn't achievable).  Stand up for our thoughts.  For who we are.  And, god forbid, we need to stand up for our emotions, for how we feel.  We're just going to be trampled over if we don't.  And none of us deserve that.  We're all worthy of expressing ourselves without fear of judgement. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I struggle almost every day to stand up for myself. I've finally realized that it all goes back to one reason why- fear.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of not being understood. Fear of judgement.  Fear...

We all have been taught from a young age the value of communication, and good communication at that.  But what is communication?  Better yet, what is good communication?? Communication can take many forms, all of them falling under a category of either verbal or non-verbal.  It is the ability to send messages, convey information, and/or use actions to relay information or establish a point. That being said, we use communication every day.  We use it when we order food or drinks, we communicate when we say 'hello' or 'goodbye' and it is shaped by our tone of voice, our body language, and the format of any sentence.  So what is good communication?  Are we always expected to be able to communicate in a good manner? I'm not so sure.

For those of you that haven't had the chance yet, take the time to read my first post on vulnerability from a few months back  Vulnerability Part 1 .  I've had an interesting past few weeks and the weather, I'm sure, has been a large reason for my wandering -and most likely over analzyed- thoughts. But I digress. I don't know about the rest of you out there, but I'm someone that has an innate need to be accepted.  Even once I feel accepted by people, I need to then make sure that I hold some importance in their life.  However, I don't go and try to be accepted, nor do I try and be important...I simply wait anxiously for it to happen.  I wait to matter, and let it consume my mind in the meantime. Does it need to change?  Of course.  I recognize it isn't exactly healthy and it is something I should work on.  But right now, I'm sticking with acknowledging it.  I'm also acknowledging that most of my waiting anxiously is from my lack of vulnerab...

New year, new goals. For so many of us, our goals or 'resolutions' created every new year quickly dissipate.  I'm not sure if it lack of focus, lack of time, lack of determination or simply slacking.  It doesn't truly matter why so many of us cannot follow through on our goals, at least that isn't my point.  My point is that many of us enter every new year with a new goal, a new outlook...striving for improvement, for change. And for once, I'm excited. I'm not going to rehash my 2012 year for you- it was the standard ups and downs and you all can relate in your own way.  Rather I want to focus on the future.  One of my biggest goals is to conquer my anxiety and kick it to the curb.  I am so tired of it controlling many aspects of my life.  I want to live again.  I want to stop the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty, and the worrying.  The past 4 and a half months have been eye opening for me, and I feel like I've already come so far.  I...