Day by Day AS ...

It's been a long few months.  School has kept me busy, and then work as well.  If you really want to, you could throw in my continuous failed attempts at finding a boyfriend.  Simply put, life has happened.  School is school.  Work is work.  Boys are boys.  Life is life. Since September though, I like to think I've come a long way as an individual.  I've learned more about myself in the past two to three months than I thought was possible.  I'm slowly growing consequently, and discovering new things about myself.  I know now how much I can handle when I need to.  I also know now that there are a lot of times I think I can handle a lot, but I can't.  And I also learned it really is okay to ask for help. Nothing monumental has occurred in the past little while, but the thoughts and self-discovery has felt huge. The thoughts and emotions have been like a stream, slowly and continuously trickling between rocks.

Should be studying for midterms, should be cleaning, should be working. All that means is that it is a perfect time to write and sort some thoughts out. I have been so incredibly stuck lately. I have been stuck in nearly every sense you could imagine, except for the obvious- physically. I haven't gotten stuck in the mud, or caught in the rain or anything like that. I guess the mud and rain could go hand in hand, especially with it being such a rainy autumn here. However, I have been stuck in many other aspects. Stuck in: my writing, my head, school, anxiety, and fear. I have become someone I didn't think was possible. I have become someone I don't know when I look in the mirror. Who is that girl looking back? The one that looks so beautiful but doesn't believe it. The girl that looks put together and happy and thriving. I truly don't recognize her. I don't recognize her because I don't feel any of it. I've reached that point in my life whe...

Always inside of my head. Rarely ever out. Game after game after game. Psyching myself out. Is it good, bad? Is it right, wrong? Is it going to work, fail? Is it honest and true? Is it worth it? What is worth? How do we measure it? Why.. do we care so much And judge ourselves so harshly comparing ourselves to each other and others to us and our past. ~~~~~~~~ It makes one wonder. Or at least it makes me wonder. Wonder why we do what we do. Why it seems like we are programmed to

As I've grown older I realize the power of words more and more. Especially on days like today.  I'm sure you all understand what I mean- those days where everything you say seems to be wrong? Or how about that day when you just can't find the right word? The words just keep flowing through your mind, becoming jumbled.  You just cannot pin them down.  Yup, one of those days.  So you start to figure that tomorrow will be a better day. What hope, what belief, what imagination. How can tomorrow be better?  Tomorrow never actually comes.  To say that tomorrow will be better and to believe it... that is quite the belief.  How can you believe in something unattainable? Yet we do.  We all do.  You see the belief in the unattainable so many times.  A belief in things that we know aren't true, but desperately wish could be. 

It's been a long time since anything has been posted.  Far too long.  Life has been busy.  Exams, got a job, quit the job, grandma died, found two new jobs, contemplated a relationship, dismissed another, and now currently visiting my sister in BC. I felt in such need of a vacation.  I don't really have the money to afford it, but I don't feel the need to spend money either.  Life had been draining for too long, and I had been stuck in a rut. I lacked motivation and desire to get out of bed, and then once out of bed I did not want to do anything but sit and watch time go by.  I had a hard time cooking food and only ate when I began to feel weak, for the sake of eating.  The days had blended into one another so well. I couldn't figure things out that I wanted to figure out.  I was truly stuck in a rut.  I wanted to understand why I reacted the way I did to my Grandmother's death.  I wanted to understand why I felt an overwhelming

Ever wonder if your heart is going in the right direction? I do.  I wonder all the time.  It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I reached the conclusion that if your heart is spinning you in a seemingly never-ending circle, then you are going in the right direction. Despite this realization that I have reached, my overall view on relationships and love and the likes hasn't changed.  I still struggle and I still over think and analyze things.  Recently I was discussing with a friend how you know if you truly are interested in someone or not- how does one make that distinction between liking someone as a person or friend versus liking someone as something more?  I guess that alone is why I try to establish a friendship before a relationship.  Establishing a friendship creates a stable foundation to build a relationship upon, and you are able to figure out if there is an extra, genuine spark there (instead of purely lust). Lately I have had two guys on my m...

Between two places That is where I am Which one is home? I don't know anymore I'm just between two places I feel like I have nowhere to go But everywhere At the same time I'm just between two places I'm in a place of myself

I have lost my keys I have lost my pen I have lost my sunglasses But most importantly, I have lost my way home I have traveled far and wide I have seen many things And experienced much more But I have still lost my way home

Typical past few days being me- if you have been following this blog or know me at all I'm sure you have realized that that means I've been thinking. My thinking ranges from philosophical to sociological to just thoughts. This post is a bit more of a sociological, and maybe a bit psychological, post. All my thoughts and personal observations, nothing else. I've asked around, gotten a few individuals inputs as to what they think it means to 'be easy.' For the most part, they are the same. You sleep around a lot, it doesn't take much to convince you to sleep with someone, low values or morals or confidence, someone looking too hard for appreciation.... the list goes on. Okay, so that is being easy. Does that mean that you have to do one night stands to be easy? I haven't decided on that one. I'm not sure being 'easy' refers to just how likely you are to sleep with someone. I think it also means how vulnerable you are and likely you are t...

It maybe a sad thing to say, but I long for love and other things attached to it I want a man to hold my hand Take me out to dinner Cuddle with me on cold nights Take a walk under the stars Kiss me just because It may seem typical or unrealistic But I just would like to know what that feels like - Love and Other Things

What does it mean to be a friend? I believe, like love, everyone has their own definition Mine is a person whom I can trust, is loyal, reliable, and someone that places either little or no judgment on what I do - someone who can tell me their honest opinion without fear Now, that is a friend But what about a BEST friend? Are they the same thing just the best at the job? If this is the case, I have three - not one They all tie for the prize This is because they each have the qualities that fit my description and much more Best Friend #1 is just like me We have the same interests and talk about anything pop culture She is truly my other half Best Friend #2 is honest and can read me like a book With her it's easy to talk about simple things - like music But she is also the one I talk to with issues that I usually can't tell others She says her opinion every time but she listens and never tells Best Friend #3 is outgoing and adventurous She brings out the best in me and pushes me t...