Day by Day AS ...

Ever since COVID-19 started making headlines, I had a stirring in my gut that told me this would be something bigger than we could imagine.  Yet, here we are, and I certainly didn't imagine this. These times truly are extraordinary. What a word. Extraordinary. Ex-traordinary. Extra-ordinary. Extraordinary. A word that, I'm sure, held a positive association for the majority of us, for most of our lives. Suddenly, I'm fascinated by just how fluid and yet complex that word really is. These times are extraordinary - without the normal excitement we've come to associate with the word.

Disclaimer: I was going through some old blogs and found this one, sitting unpublished. I know why it was unpublished. I know why it, maybe, should stay unpublished. But, alas, here we are. This is a few years old, but as I re-read it, I saw some beauty in it. Some great lessons and learnings. And beauty in the love. So, I published it. Because maybe someone else will relate. Maybe it will connect with someone. Maybe it won't. But here it is.  We all know the story- guy meets girl (or guy meets guy...or girl meets girl...you get the idea). They date.  They fall "in love."  Most of them break-up, some stay together.  How is this story any different than a break-up so many of us experience in our lifetime? I'm not sure it is, but I know for me it has been an active process of reflection and trying to piece my life back together. Nearly 3 years spent together, with trips to NYC, Pennsylvania, San Francisco, and Vancouver, gifts given, tears shed, laughter and smil...

I found myself earlier reflecting on yesterday - was it a bad day, or was it a good day? I don't usually label my days as bad or good, to be clear, but yesterday wasn't a regular day. Niagara Falls, Ontario The short of it: I had an anxiety attack, in the rain, in downtown London, on the way to an event with my partner who had yet to witness an attack. The works - tears, hyperventilation, nervous energy and jitters. But to truly elaborate the perspective bit, there is a longer story to it.  I think it's important to add context, to shape why it was a matter of a bad day vs good day. So here we go.

No filter, just me. The standard, the usual. Welcome back, I've missed you dearly. It's a blistering 28 degrees outside, feeling like 39 (Celsius, because I'm Canadian). And yet I'm curled up inside, sipping on red wine, with candles lit, singer-songwriter tunes playing, and a fake fire on the TV.  I'm listening to my soul and I couldn't be happier. Although happy, I'm sad, too. Well, perhaps not sad. Perhaps reflective with a touch of wistfulness is a better description. Feeling a bit misunderstood, a bit hopeful.  A bit skeptical, a bit optimistic. A dash of introspection and a huge amount of unfiltered thoughts. Contemplating life, contemplating the world. I could get into the weeds, dive into the mess that we call love.  I could keep it happier, and update on my life.  I could write about anything tonight - my mood is there. I'm stuck reflecting on relationships and the future, however, so there I shall go. I find myself, at the ripe age of n...

This post isn't long. It's short, by my standards. But I don't feel the need to write a winding post - not this time, anyway. This morning,  my alarm goes off like most mornings… but today is different - I'm already awake.  I haven't slept much - the thoughts don't seem to leave my head. Reading doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. I lie in bed wondering if I have to get up.  Remember it's Monday - I work. Start to wonder how many sick days I have left. I just want to go back to sleep. Stay in bed all day. Too much going on in the world. Too much to juggle in my personal life.  A lot of changes at once and yet I keep making myself busier. I take a mental health day, but I'm in tears doing it.  I feel a huge amount of disappointment shrouding me - are they judging me? Do I really need to take today off? Am I weak? Am I just taking the easy way out?

Tick Tock Tick tock That's the sound I hear, every time I debate changing something. That's the sound I hear when I wonder if the work I'm doing is enough It's the sound I hear when I wonder how I can make a bigger, better impact It's the sound I hear when I question my purpose and abilities Tick Tock…Tick Tock…Tick Tock. Over and over, I hear that same sound. Am I ready for a car? A house? A family? Tick Tock.  Will I ever be?