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Another Unexpected Day

This post isn't long. It's short, by my standards. But I don't feel the need to write a winding post - not this time, anyway.

This morning,  my alarm goes off like most mornings… but today is different - I'm already awake.  I haven't slept much - the thoughts don't seem to leave my head. Reading doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. I lie in bed wondering if I have to get up.  Remember it's Monday - I work. Start to wonder how many sick days I have left. I just want to go back to sleep. Stay in bed all day. Too much going on in the world. Too much to juggle in my personal life.  A lot of changes at once and yet I keep making myself busier. I take a mental health day, but I'm in tears doing it.  I feel a huge amount of disappointment shrouding me - are they judging me? Do I really need to take today off? Am I weak? Am I just taking the easy way out?

I compose myself. Take some deep breaths. Promise myself to write, drink some tea, spend some quiet time outside in nature, where I truly feel calmer and more centered. But it's the afternoon and I'm still in my pj's, having eaten nothing more than a few crackers. The thoughts that kept me awake all night are still floating through. I don't have a way to calm them, because I have no answers.

Don't get me wrong, my life is good. It's really good. I have a supportive, fun group of friends.  I have incredible family members. I have dogs I can snuggle. This autumn I'll be going camping, to a cottage, celebrating two friends as they each wed their respective partners, giving thanks with family, and enjoying multiple birthdays with loved ones.

 The part that not everyone knows is that although I love all of these things, the mental exhaustion that comes with them is high. I want days alone to myself after socializing with so many people. I exhaust myself leading up to each of the events because I plan every little detail I can, trying to minimize any triggers for my anxiety. The more prepared I am, the less likely I am not to have an answer or be thrown off at surprises. 

I detest disappointing people, more so than disappointing myself. If I disappoint those in my life, if I let them down, then I've made an error and I have to fix it - that's how my mind works.  Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to appease people. I'm not a pushover, as I have strong opinions and love a good discussion, but when it comes to expectations, that's where it matters to me.

Really, all I want is to let you all know that mental health bad days sometimes sneak up on you, without warning. Sometimes you can't do anything about them. But the best thing to do is take care of yourself. Take a sick day. Go on a trip. Go hiking. Snuggle babies and animals. Bake. Do whatever brings you calmness and joy. Regroup, refocus, and start anew the next day.

 It's okay not to be okay. 

Day by day. 

S
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