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Consistently Inconsistent

 I've certainly proven that I'm unable to regularly journal or blog. That I'm pulled to write when things are bad or awry or beyond my control, but rarely in a time where I feel joy, happiness or am at peace with things. We all know I'm here, journaling again, because I'm in my head. Feeling. Reflecting. Likely overthinking. As to be expected - consistently inconsistent. 

I've been pushing myself for months now. Focusing on doing more, achieving more, earning more, finding more....always more. And I am so t i r e d. Somewhere along the way of trying to redefine myself and achieve goals I had set for myself, I lost sight of why I was doing things. What was motivating me. Why I set these goals. 

Sitting and reflecting, these goals come from an urge to prove to myself that I can do it alone. Even though I am very much not alone. Residual effects from a previous relationship? Likely. But also me trying to sort through who I want to be. And also me believing that where I am currently in my life is not where I'm supposed to be at my age. This supposed to be notion is shaped by society and rooted in comparison, knowing this very much isn't where I thought or had hoped I would be at 30. 

I want to prove my independence. Prove my strength. To people around me, but mostly to myself. It could then, in theory, be argued that really I'm trying to show myself that I am worthy. That I am capable. That I can do hard things, especially alone. That it's okay that I don't own a house. That I'm not married. That I don't have kids. That those things do not define me.

But I also need to work on letting go of things I cannot control, rather than trying to force them. That's all I've been doing with income and work - trying to control the situation. Trying to do so much in hopes of buying a house. Of being able to visit friends out of province. Of being able to afford to workout at a gym. Of not worrying about if retirement will be attainable. As a result of trying to achieve this financial stability, I've been throwing myself at every opportunity I can for more income. I don't regret it at all. I'll continue to search for ways to increase my income, because the items I just listed are important to me. Perhaps it is two jobs. Perhaps it is one new one. But I'll find it. 

I'll find it, ironically, because I am strong. Because I am independent. Because I am capable. And because I can do hard things. 

But I don't have to do it alone. I have friends and family willing to support me. My romantic partner reminds me, too, that I don't have to do this alone. 

December is set to be a busy month, more than normal. Some of it is within my control, some of it isn't. So I'm going to focus on breathing, rest, and finding joy again. While I am, in many ways, in control of my own life and destiny, there is also value in being present, in releasing control and in enjoying what life has to offer. 

That's what I want to do. Enjoy. Release. Life will continue to happen. I won't fall just because I slow down. I am not a failure just because I live at home at 30. I will thrive. And I will do it with integrity, grace, glee, and letting go. 

I'll work on trusting those around me. Letting them in. Confiding in them. Being vulnerable. Stop trying to do everything alone. Give myself permission to fail and make mistakes. And assure myself that all of it is okay. 

 Slow. Steady. Unlearning. Relearning.

xoxo

S

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