The One I Sent Away

Disclaimer: I was going through some old blogs and found this one, sitting unpublished. I know why it was unpublished. I know why it, maybe, should stay unpublished. But, alas, here we are. This is a few years old, but as I re-read it, I saw some beauty in it. Some great lessons and learnings. And beauty in the love. So, I published it. Because maybe someone else will relate. Maybe it will connect with someone. Maybe it won't. But here it is. 

We all know the story- guy meets girl (or guy meets guy...or girl meets girl...you get the idea). They date.  They fall "in love."  Most of them break-up, some stay together.  How is this story any different than a break-up so many of us experience in our lifetime? I'm not sure it is, but I know for me it has been an active process of reflection and trying to piece my life back together.

Nearly 3 years spent together, with trips to NYC, Pennsylvania, San Francisco, and Vancouver, gifts given, tears shed, laughter and smiles for days, lessons learned.  Countless hours spent travelling to make the distance work, hours spent talking on the phone, hours spent composing hand-written letters, hours spent apart just to have a few together.  It started out in separate cities- it was a bold choice, but we both believed we were worth it.  I don't think either of us could have anticipated what was to come.  

In the months that followed, the relationship blossomed.  We learned we had similar pasts and bonded over them.  We found a shared interest in being active.  We found we shared an innate ability to communicate.  To enjoy the simple things.  I looked forward to going on walks with him.  I challenged my safety net, my bubble, so to try and spend more time with him.  I literally would spend a weekend in his city doing school work, with us barely having any down time but it was okay because we were together.  Our study breaks often meant going to get groceries and making food. We were blissfully happy.  He became my rock, as I struggled with my anxiety.  He supported me, and knew exactly how to help me work through my attacks.  Eventually my attacks dwindled, and I attributed much of it to him.  

We both valued family.  We both were motivated to achieve our dreams and were on the path to reaching them.  We had plans for school, we had plans to move in together, we had planned for the future.  We invested in each other financially, emotionally, intellectually.  I don't think we ever thought we would see the day where I would pull the plug.  I sent away a man I loved, and still do.  

I want to be clear here.  I have tossed around the word "love" before in previous relationships, always thinking I knew what it meant.  In this relationship, the word took on an entirely different meaning.  It meant unconditional support, it meant trying new things, it meant communicating.  It meant acceptance and understanding, loyalty and independence.  It was the true desire to see the other individual succeed, to see them be happy.  I still wish that for him, and I always will.  With a kind heart and generous soul, I would have been crazy not to fall for him.  We meshed incredibly well together.  But we got comfortable.  We started seeing our relationship in different ways, with different expectations.  I made mistakes- we all do- and eventually mine caught up with me.  It all came to a head- the pressure, the stress, the change.  We had reached a crossroads, so I called it.  

I could not bear the idea that he not pursue his career because of me.  He felt like that meant he had to go, as a result.  So I left, so he could make a decision without having to take our relationship, me, into consideration.  I truly thought it was the best decision.  It was also the safe decision.  That is not how a relationship works, not really.  Ultimately, yes, it'd be his decision but together we could have talked about it. I spent the ensuing months running from my emotions, throwing myself into everything I could.  I finally began to face the reality of my decision and was questioning my choice.  I eventually decided I would message him, see how things were going, see if we could talk at Christmas.  That backfired, in a way I could not have imagined- he was moving on.  Reeling, I finally let myself feel everything I had blocked out before.  The pain, the confusion, the fear, the love. 

It was a blessing in disguise, really.  I reflect back on who I was and who I have become since the break-up, and I can see the incredible growth.  I can see that I am now the maker of my own happiness, instead of relying on someone else to make me happy.  I was forced to tackle my anxiety independently.  I had to rely on myself again, something I had stopped doing.  I still miss him sometimes, but I see the benefits of our parting ways.  It still aches at times, but I'm moving forward.  I've acknowledged that he and I shared something incredibly special and rare.  I do not regret anything.  I would do it over again, even if I knew it would end.  I learned many things, I experienced love, and I met a man that I admire.  I will always love him- that kind of love doesn't just go away.  But I will also find a new love, and it starts with me.  Eventually, I will love someone else too. 

Everything is okay.  Everything happens for a reason.  I didn't realize when I walked away originally how much I had become stagnant, how I had stopped challenging myself and become dependent on him.  I'm different now, I've changed.  I believe he has too- he has grown, just as I have.    He will always hold a special place in my heart, and maybe one day we will find a way to be friends.  But right now, I'm just happy I had the privilege to meet him, had the privilege to love him and be loved back by him.  I'm not an emptier- I cannot just dispose of this love.  I will instead harness it, accept it, and use it to fuel me forward.  If anything ever happens, I will always have his back.  But right now, this love, this ability to hold on to it....I will be thankful I experienced it.  I now know what I want from a relationship, I now know what love can be like, and I will find it.  It may be years before it happens again, it may be months...but I will experience a love like that again.  Until then, however, I will love myself with every fiber of my being.  I deserve to love myself.  I am worthy.  I am strong, capable, independent, beautiful, and lovable.  I will love myself every day, even if it is only for a few seconds, I will love who I am.  I will accept myself for who I am.  I will be authentic.