Day by Day AS ...

I want to be authentic and open. I want to approach people. Pursue opportunities. Show people all the grace and good that the world offers. I believe I can, but only when I'm at my best. I need to be the best version of myself to do so. But how? We create our own paths. Makers of our own hope. Just like we build the walls to our own life. We choose who can see through the windows. Who can come through the door. Who we give the key to. Vulnerability and trust is up to us. We decide what we do. Who we see. How we act. How we live and how we love.

My dearest readers, it may seem like I've taken a long hiatus, but it's been quite the opposite.  I have so many blog posts from the past nine months that I drafted, and never posted. The only real reason I can see is fear. Fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable. Fear of impacting those reading the blog. Fear of making people close to the blog post vulnerable, or stirring up old emotions they have long since dealt with. I wrote, I saved, I tucked them all away, for private eyes only. I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted.  So for now, they remain tucked away. But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then.  My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was in...

Have you ever been out of breath?  Have you experienced hyperventilation?  Have your hands become clammy?  What about your senses- have those ever been heightened to the point where it seems like everyone is yelling, when the lights are so bright you feel like you should be wearing sunglasses?  Have you broken down crying out of sheer exhaustion from trying so hard and failing?  Have you made plans and then cancelled last minute, all to stay home and wonder how angry they are at you for cancelling?  What about being mad at yourself, for knowing you’re okay but being unable to believe it? Have you missed work or school because of a mental wall that’s so big you don’t even know how to begin to scale it?  Have you refused to answer the phone or call someone else because you don’t know how the conversation will go?  Do you avoid real people in banks and checkout lines?  Have you ever been angry at yourself for not being the person you think oth...

My dearest friends, I apologize for my prolonged absence (with the exception of my latest post), but for an extended period of time I felt like I had nothing to post. I was blissfully content with my life and -if you know me well enough- I don't tend to turn to writing unless I'm working through something.  Writing is an outlet, and when one is blissfully content, one doesn't tend to need an outlet.  But I digress. I have been doing some soul searching as of late, with results I never would have foreseen.  After numerous lows battling my anxieties, I have now embraced them.  I now am craving to challenge myself, push myself, and see just how far I can test my boundaries.  I'm ready for something new, so new things are happening.  I want to grow.  I want to blossom.  I want to take the drive, my passion, my capabilities and push myself to find out more about myself.  I finally feel ready.  Now don't get me wrong, I am scared beyond be...

I used to believe that all I had to do, was understand how to compromise.  The biggest tool I could have was that of compromise, or so I thought.  If I could master how to manipulate and shift situations to create a win-win of sorts for both parties, I would be set.  I would never lose.  So I worked, for many years with many people, on how to compromise.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I, unfortunately, now am beginning to think my efforts to master compromise –while admirable and of importance- were largely futile.  Compromise certainly has its time and its place, however I have begun to suspect that acceptance is far more powerful and far more important than the ability to compromise. I do not mean to undermine or minimize the results compromise can bring forth; often, dialogue between two people is unintentionally an effort to reach middle ground, to find some sort of familiarity to reconcile or meet upon.  It would seem compromise p...

Hello readers!  It's been a ridiculously long time since I have last posted.  My apologies!  But rest assured, I have a feeling that is all about to change (and no, not simply because I'm writing right now)!  I've come to recognize that I tend to feel the urge to blog during autumn and winter months, in addition to using blogging as a tool to procrastinate from school work (and it is a wonderfuuul procrastination tool, I promise you that). But I digress. Life has been fairly crazy lately to say the least. I'll give you a quick summary right now, just to keep everyone up to speed :) So I last posted wayyyy back in May (seriously, that was a whole other season ago! I really have been slacking!!).  Since then, I have not only been unemployed (three weeks working with my brother(s) and staging my mom's boyfriends house does not count as work), but I've been bored.  A lot.  I seriously cannot figure out how I lasted all summer without being bored out of ...

I have never quite understood why we have been shaped to believe that negative emotions are meant only to be shown behind closed doors. It's puzzled me for years.  If I'm sad on my way to work, why can't I cry on the bus?  Why can't I yell if I stub my toe walking in the park? It isn't even just in public, but I find that often family and friends will try and automatically put a positive spin on negative situations.  Why can't we simply feel that emotion- why is it that people around us, people we care about and vice versa, tell us to "look at the bright side"??  Are we that scared of getting to know ourselves?  Scared of loneliness, rejection, being weak?  How about being human?? From a young age we are taught not to cry- men and women alike.  How many of you had parents tell you "you're okay" after scraping your knee?  Or tell you to "stop whining" when you didn't like something?  As much as I feel there is great ...