Skip to main content

Moving On

So it's me again. I wrote this back in April and I thought I should post it. Maybe it will help others like it helped me, and if not, maybe it will let others know they are not alone. Either way, it happened to me. So yeah, this is my story of a rough end to a relationship. This is me.

Moving On

She slowly sits down. All she can hear are the loud sobs escaping from her own throat. The phone rings. It’s him. He wants to talk. She meets him outside. Why is she tempting herself? She knows she loves him. She knows she is better off without him. What is she doing? She needs to leave. She shouldn’t be doing this. She needs to go back inside. She hears him speak the words “I’m going to fight for you.” Her heart breaks a little more. She knew it would not be easy. She knew there would be tears, hers and his. But she never thought she would feel so torn. She never thought that the internal war raging inside of her would be so painful. She gets up. She says goodbye. One more kiss, for old time’s sake. She goes inside, looks around. Empty. The house is empty. She is empty. What a wonderful day. She trudges over to the couch. She lies down and watches some movie about broken love. She is hungry but does not eat. It is too much effort. The door opens. Hi mom. Yes, today was okay. Yes mom, goodnight mom. One day down. Countless more to go.

It has been three days. Today is the day she starts to heal. Today is a day with many tears. Today is the day she puts away everything symbolizing her love for him. Goodbye to the love notes, goodbye to the pictures. Goodbye. Tucked away, under her bed. She begins to cry. This is it. This really is goodbye.

Time to distract. The healing and moving on is not as easy as she had though. She throws herself into everything. Studying, cleaning, working out. Anything to stop her from thinking about the break up. Anything to stop her from thinking about going back to him. She keeps telling herself “I left him. I’m better off. Our time was up. We need to grow.” It isn’t working. Her mind is defying her will, drifting back to him, drifting back to their love. She suffers. No longer cares about how she looks. Barely scraping by on her finals. Just waiting for nightfall so she can crawl into bed and escape.

It used to come so easily. Sleep. She struggles now. Finals are done, less to distract her. She dreads nightfall. Nightfall means being alone. It means she needs to sleep. But she doesn’t. She lies in bed for many hours. Finally, around three a.m. she sleeps.

Ten a.m., time to get up. It’s a new day. She showers. She can feel it. She can feel her heart healing. She no longer doubts her choice. She now knows she was right. It was time for her to move on. She dries her hair and begins her makeup. “Hurry up!” yells her brother. She runs down the stairs, goes outside, hops on her bike and frees her mind of all worries. She smiles. Today is a new day. Today is a new start. Today she sees the beauty of the world around her once again. Today her heart is okay. Today she is okay.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's all about perspective

I found myself earlier reflecting on yesterday - was it a bad day, or was it a good day? I don't usually label my days as bad or good, to be clear, but yesterday wasn't a regular day. Niagara Falls, Ontario The short of it: I had an anxiety attack, in the rain, in downtown London, on the way to an event with my partner who had yet to witness an attack. The works - tears, hyperventilation, nervous energy and jitters. But to truly elaborate the perspective bit, there is a longer story to it.  I think it's important to add context, to shape why it was a matter of a bad day vs good day. So here we go.
Post a Comment
Read more

Consistently Inconsistent

 I've certainly proven that I'm unable to regularly journal or blog. That I'm pulled to write when things are bad or awry or beyond my control, but rarely in a time where I feel joy, happiness or am at peace with things. We all know I'm here, journaling again, because I'm in my head. Feeling. Reflecting. Likely overthinking. As to be expected - consistently inconsistent.  I've been pushing myself for months now. Focusing on doing more, achieving more, earning more, finding more....always more . And I am so t i r e d. Somewhere along the way of trying to redefine myself and achieve goals I had set for myself, I lost sight of why I was doing things. What was motivating me. Why I set these goals. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Vulnerability

For the past few days, perhaps even a week now, I have been tossing and turning many ideas through my head of what to blog about.  I even was able to get a draft going on the value of actions vs words, but it just doesn't feel finished yet. I finally came up with a concept. Vulnerability. I know most of us know what vulnerability is, or what it means to be vulnerable, but in case anyone is looking for clarification, Webster's dictionary defines vulnerable as "capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage." So many of us spend our lives running from being vulnerable, from trying to protect ourselves because we simply don't want to be hurt.  I'm not talking just about relationships here, but everything.  Some of us don't like to have pets, because eventually a bond is created and that makes us open to pain, especially knowing that odds are we will outlive our pets.  It also pertains to careers- many of us stay inside the ...
Post a Comment
Read more