I used to believe that all I had to do, was understand how
to compromise. The biggest tool I could
have was that of compromise, or so I thought.
If I could master how to manipulate and shift situations to create a
win-win of sorts for both parties, I would be set. I would never lose. So I worked, for many years with many people,
on how to compromise. I thought I had it
all figured out. I, unfortunately, now
am beginning to think my efforts to master compromise –while admirable and of
importance- were largely futile.
Compromise certainly has its time and its place, however I have begun to
suspect that acceptance is far more powerful and far more important than the
ability to compromise.
I do not mean to undermine or minimize the results
compromise can bring forth; often, dialogue between two people is
unintentionally an effort to reach middle ground, to find some sort of
familiarity to reconcile or meet upon.
It would seem compromise provides stability, and in a world where we
truly control little, stability is often viewed as immensely desirable. Compromising provides the opportunity to discuss,
to communicate, to open ourselves to other perspectives and opinions we may not
have otherwise considered. However,
compromising can be dangerous. How often
do we think we are compromising to reach a better space with another person,
only to realize later that said compromise was more of a concession?
I lost my way for a little while, and instead of
compromising as a part of a team I ended up solely compromising my own values,
beliefs, thoughts, and concerns. I had a
solid belief that compromises were the means to happiness and growth, but
perhaps that isn’t the case. Perhaps,
instead, acceptance and a place of mutual understanding are more
important. Allowing ourselves to be true
to our beliefs, have our unique individual opinions, and maintain our integrity
may result in further growth than compromising could ever offer.
“In order to understand, I destroyed myself” from The Book of Disquiet,
by Fernando Pessoa
In my haste to achieve a fairly constant state of happiness
with those around me, I began to put immense amount of effort into
compromising. I did not realize until later
that my true reasoning to compromise was not just because I had been taught
that compromising plays an important role in teamwork, but rather that for me
compromising meant I could somehow avoid true differences of opinion. When it came down to it, I wanted to
compromise to maintain a sense of peace and tranquility between myself and
others. I was slowly allowing myself to
minimize my own opinions, beliefs, thoughts, ideals, and values in an effort to
be continually liked. That’s key.
"Be yourself. If you water yourself down to please people or to fit in or to not offend anyone, you lose the power, the passion, the freedom and the joy of being uniquely you. It's much easier to love yourself when you are being yourself." -Dan Coppersmith
Worth noting is that I did not put myself in such a space
with those that I knew would be there unconditionally for me- my family and
dearest, closest friends. I had no
problem sticking to my beliefs and was okay when people called me stubborn, as
I knew what I believed and was more than happy to back myself up. I grew up in a home with many other strong
minded individuals, and over the years we have reached a place where we can sit
down and discuss –debate or argue if you wish- our own opinions. It can get heated at times, but the best
part? We are accepting of each other.
Rarely do we take offense or offend each other, as we can –eventually- accept
that we are different. A few short
minutes after a discussion has concluded and we tend to just move forward. We don’t hold grudges, we don’t like each
other any less. If anything, we respect
each other more.
If you personally know me, you have likely heard me say that
one day I want a partner that is similar to my siblings. You hear time and time again about how we
look for our parents in our partners, but I believe that to an extent, I look for
my siblings. I have recognized in recent years that is because of how we accept
rather than compromise. We don’t hold on
to anger. Rather we voice our thoughts, opinions, state our peace and move forward. Sometimes that involves walking away for a
few moments, but it never sticks.
And so, my friends, I have decided that I’m going to work on
staying true to myself. I won’t avoid
compromises, as I do think they can be beneficial and worthy. But instead of compromising myself, if the
time comes to compromise I will do it solely because I want to. Not because I feel trapped, cornered, or
because I worry about no longer being liked.
I would ask that my friends be as honest and true to themselves with
me. I don’t want to get to know someone
that concedes their own belief system simply because they do not want to risk
the negative consequences that may or may not arise. I want to work on accepting others for their
individuality, not just what they like, but for who they truly are and what
they truly believe.
Below are a few words about compromise and being
ourselves. Of being accepting. They each have a similar
point, but within slightly different contexts.
Perhaps for some of you, they’ll resonate and you too, will have a
moment of clarity.
"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of
them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our
being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to
compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but
they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to
let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you
down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of
someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means
breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a
distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that
feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for
yourself." - Daniell Koepke
“You don't have to compromise convictions to be
compassionate." – Rick Warren
Much love,
S.
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