Day by Day AS ...

I found myself earlier reflecting on yesterday - was it a bad day, or was it a good day? I don't usually label my days as bad or good, to be clear, but yesterday wasn't a regular day. Niagara Falls, Ontario The short of it: I had an anxiety attack, in the rain, in downtown London, on the way to an event with my partner who had yet to witness an attack. The works - tears, hyperventilation, nervous energy and jitters. But to truly elaborate the perspective bit, there is a longer story to it.  I think it's important to add context, to shape why it was a matter of a bad day vs good day. So here we go.

No filter, just me. The standard, the usual. Welcome back, I've missed you dearly. It's a blistering 28 degrees outside, feeling like 39 (Celsius, because I'm Canadian). And yet I'm curled up inside, sipping on red wine, with candles lit, singer-songwriter tunes playing, and a fake fire on the TV.  I'm listening to my soul and I couldn't be happier. Although happy, I'm sad, too. Well, perhaps not sad. Perhaps reflective with a touch of wistfulness is a better description. Feeling a bit misunderstood, a bit hopeful.  A bit skeptical, a bit optimistic. A dash of introspection and a huge amount of unfiltered thoughts. Contemplating life, contemplating the world. I could get into the weeds, dive into the mess that we call love.  I could keep it happier, and update on my life.  I could write about anything tonight - my mood is there. I'm stuck reflecting on relationships and the future, however, so there I shall go. I find myself, at the ripe age of n...

This post isn't long. It's short, by my standards. But I don't feel the need to write a winding post - not this time, anyway. This morning,  my alarm goes off like most mornings… but today is different - I'm already awake.  I haven't slept much - the thoughts don't seem to leave my head. Reading doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. I lie in bed wondering if I have to get up.  Remember it's Monday - I work. Start to wonder how many sick days I have left. I just want to go back to sleep. Stay in bed all day. Too much going on in the world. Too much to juggle in my personal life.  A lot of changes at once and yet I keep making myself busier. I take a mental health day, but I'm in tears doing it.  I feel a huge amount of disappointment shrouding me - are they judging me? Do I really need to take today off? Am I weak? Am I just taking the easy way out?

Tick Tock Tick tock That's the sound I hear, every time I debate changing something. That's the sound I hear when I wonder if the work I'm doing is enough It's the sound I hear when I wonder how I can make a bigger, better impact It's the sound I hear when I question my purpose and abilities Tick Tock…Tick Tock…Tick Tock. Over and over, I hear that same sound. Am I ready for a car? A house? A family? Tick Tock.  Will I ever be?

Today was a great day. The weather was that of a perfect autumn day – cool and crisp in the morning, with a warm sun in the afternoon. The leaves are a gorgeous array of fall colours, making my drive on the highway so much more enjoyable today. I finally complete my license, and have my G (#procrastinator). I went and did some errands, avoided weekend crowds, and saw some family too. An amazing evening lined up, with dinner and a movie, Friday was shaping up so well. But then, then it reared its ugly, ugly head – my anxiety. I was only starting to get ready, when suddenly I could feel it. Tears were welling, my hands were shaking, my breath was quickening, and I could feel my heart beginning to race. I tried to quell it- it’s been a long time since I’ve had an anxiety attack. I’ve worked hard for it: staying active, eating well, sleeping well, and trying to stay busy. I was happy. So when my anxiety bubbled, I tried to ground myself. I focused on my breathing, I began to text a fr...

I want to be authentic and open. I want to approach people. Pursue opportunities. Show people all the grace and good that the world offers. I believe I can, but only when I'm at my best. I need to be the best version of myself to do so. But how? We create our own paths. Makers of our own hope. Just like we build the walls to our own life. We choose who can see through the windows. Who can come through the door. Who we give the key to. Vulnerability and trust is up to us. We decide what we do. Who we see. How we act. How we live and how we love.

My dearest readers, it may seem like I've taken a long hiatus, but it's been quite the opposite.  I have so many blog posts from the past nine months that I drafted, and never posted. The only real reason I can see is fear. Fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable. Fear of impacting those reading the blog. Fear of making people close to the blog post vulnerable, or stirring up old emotions they have long since dealt with. I wrote, I saved, I tucked them all away, for private eyes only. I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted.  So for now, they remain tucked away. But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then.  My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was in...