Day by Day AS ...

This post isn't long. It's short, by my standards. But I don't feel the need to write a winding post - not this time, anyway. This morning,  my alarm goes off like most mornings… but today is different - I'm already awake.  I haven't slept much - the thoughts don't seem to leave my head. Reading doesn't help. Nothing seems to help. I lie in bed wondering if I have to get up.  Remember it's Monday - I work. Start to wonder how many sick days I have left. I just want to go back to sleep. Stay in bed all day. Too much going on in the world. Too much to juggle in my personal life.  A lot of changes at once and yet I keep making myself busier. I take a mental health day, but I'm in tears doing it.  I feel a huge amount of disappointment shrouding me - are they judging me? Do I really need to take today off? Am I weak? Am I just taking the easy way out?

Tick Tock Tick tock That's the sound I hear, every time I debate changing something. That's the sound I hear when I wonder if the work I'm doing is enough It's the sound I hear when I wonder how I can make a bigger, better impact It's the sound I hear when I question my purpose and abilities Tick Tock…Tick Tock…Tick Tock. Over and over, I hear that same sound. Am I ready for a car? A house? A family? Tick Tock.  Will I ever be?

Today was a great day. The weather was that of a perfect autumn day – cool and crisp in the morning, with a warm sun in the afternoon. The leaves are a gorgeous array of fall colours, making my drive on the highway so much more enjoyable today. I finally complete my license, and have my G (#procrastinator). I went and did some errands, avoided weekend crowds, and saw some family too. An amazing evening lined up, with dinner and a movie, Friday was shaping up so well. But then, then it reared its ugly, ugly head – my anxiety. I was only starting to get ready, when suddenly I could feel it. Tears were welling, my hands were shaking, my breath was quickening, and I could feel my heart beginning to race. I tried to quell it- it’s been a long time since I’ve had an anxiety attack. I’ve worked hard for it: staying active, eating well, sleeping well, and trying to stay busy. I was happy. So when my anxiety bubbled, I tried to ground myself. I focused on my breathing, I began to text a fr...

I want to be authentic and open. I want to approach people. Pursue opportunities. Show people all the grace and good that the world offers. I believe I can, but only when I'm at my best. I need to be the best version of myself to do so. But how? We create our own paths. Makers of our own hope. Just like we build the walls to our own life. We choose who can see through the windows. Who can come through the door. Who we give the key to. Vulnerability and trust is up to us. We decide what we do. Who we see. How we act. How we live and how we love.

My dearest readers, it may seem like I've taken a long hiatus, but it's been quite the opposite.  I have so many blog posts from the past nine months that I drafted, and never posted. The only real reason I can see is fear. Fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable. Fear of impacting those reading the blog. Fear of making people close to the blog post vulnerable, or stirring up old emotions they have long since dealt with. I wrote, I saved, I tucked them all away, for private eyes only. I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted.  So for now, they remain tucked away. But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then.  My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was in...

Have you ever been out of breath?  Have you experienced hyperventilation?  Have your hands become clammy?  What about your senses- have those ever been heightened to the point where it seems like everyone is yelling, when the lights are so bright you feel like you should be wearing sunglasses?  Have you broken down crying out of sheer exhaustion from trying so hard and failing?  Have you made plans and then cancelled last minute, all to stay home and wonder how angry they are at you for cancelling?  What about being mad at yourself, for knowing you’re okay but being unable to believe it? Have you missed work or school because of a mental wall that’s so big you don’t even know how to begin to scale it?  Have you refused to answer the phone or call someone else because you don’t know how the conversation will go?  Do you avoid real people in banks and checkout lines?  Have you ever been angry at yourself for not being the person you think oth...

My dearest friends, I apologize for my prolonged absence (with the exception of my latest post), but for an extended period of time I felt like I had nothing to post. I was blissfully content with my life and -if you know me well enough- I don't tend to turn to writing unless I'm working through something.  Writing is an outlet, and when one is blissfully content, one doesn't tend to need an outlet.  But I digress. I have been doing some soul searching as of late, with results I never would have foreseen.  After numerous lows battling my anxieties, I have now embraced them.  I now am craving to challenge myself, push myself, and see just how far I can test my boundaries.  I'm ready for something new, so new things are happening.  I want to grow.  I want to blossom.  I want to take the drive, my passion, my capabilities and push myself to find out more about myself.  I finally feel ready.  Now don't get me wrong, I am scared beyond be...