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Anxiety and its Ugly Head

Today was a great day. The weather was that of a perfect autumn day – cool and crisp in the morning, with a warm sun in the afternoon. The leaves are a gorgeous array of fall colours, making my drive on the highway so much more enjoyable today. I finally complete my license, and have my G (#procrastinator). I went and did some errands, avoided weekend crowds, and saw some family too. An amazing evening lined up, with dinner and a movie, Friday was shaping up so well. But then, then it reared its ugly, ugly head – my anxiety.

I was only starting to get ready, when suddenly I could feel it. Tears were welling, my hands were shaking, my breath was quickening, and I could feel my heart beginning to race. I tried to quell it- it’s been a long time since I’ve had an anxiety attack. I’ve worked hard for it: staying active, eating well, sleeping well, and trying to stay busy. I was happy. So when my anxiety bubbled, I tried to ground myself. I focused on my breathing, I began to text a friend, and I tried to acknowledge the thoughts and then rid them from my mind with logic.

It wasn’t working. I broke. I was hyperventilating, crying, and shaking. I felt horrible – I was letting so many people down! What was I going to do? Why did this happen? For me, I had to figure out why it had happened before I could figure out what to do. So while I sat in the bathroom, bouncing my leg to get rid of the nervous energy, I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what had triggered my anxiety.


Maybe I hadn’t been as good as I thought about sleeping well, eating well, and everything in between. Being busy and go-go-go likely contributed to it. I had forgotten to slow down and take time just for me. The past few weeks were a whirlwind of working, sports, packed weekends, evaluating my next life steps, socializing, and running errands. Maybe, just maybe, I should have taken a few hours a week to slow down. Maybe I should have slept a little bit more, said no a little bit more, and ate a little bit better.

Combined with a large group dinner, for a surprise birthday (sorry, Tarin!), in a restaurant I hadn’t been to with a number of people I didn’t know, my anxiety bubbled. Everything had been adding up, like a volcano, and this evening it finally erupted.

But then what? Do I go? Do I stay home? If I stay home, is that my anxiety winning, or is that me making a conscious choice to slow down and recharge? How do I know what decision to make? What one is better for my anxiety? Even now, I’m questioning my decision. I can’t help but wonder if I could have handled it better. I wonder when it will sneak up on me again. My mind is still spinning, but I’m working on just ‘being.’

In case you were wondering, I chose to stay home. Partly because I couldn’t move past my anxiety attack in time for the reservation, but partly because I knew that I needed that time to slow down. Just not having to rush anywhere helps. Just being present, knowing that I have a few hours before I have any other plans helps. Knowing that my family will still love me, helps. Knowing that I have friends supporting me, across borders even, helps. Knowing that my partner (of a fairly new relationship) supports me and is being patient, helps.

My takeaway? My anxiety will likely always exist. It may not surface very often, but it’ll still be there. No matter what, however, I have a support system when I need them. But best of all? I have myself, and I am capable.

Deep breaths, learning, reflecting, and growing though every experience.
Much love,
Xoxo
S

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