My dearest readers, it may seem like I've taken a long hiatus, but it's been quite the opposite. I have so many blog posts from the past nine months that I drafted, and never posted. The only real reason I can see is fear. Fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable. Fear of impacting those reading the blog. Fear of making people close to the blog post vulnerable, or stirring up old emotions they have long since dealt with. I wrote, I saved, I tucked them all away, for private eyes only.
I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted. So for now, they remain tucked away.
But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then. My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was incredibly nervous to start my graduate diploma program. I still remember that very first class. I had wanted to be early, but I ended up only being in class about 10 minutes ahead of schedule and had to sit in the very front. I didn't know anyone. Everyone could see me and watch my every move. I was hyper-aware of every move I made, every word I said, every gesture I used. I would be with these strong women for the next 8 months and god-forbid I make a fool of myself. So I was quiet. I spoke minimally. I was planning on doing what I had always done- make myself fairly invisible and slip right on through the course, excelling at being on my own. Boy, did this program have different plans for me.
I'm not sure if the universe just knew I needed a push, a change, a chance or what have you, but this program was a catalyst for me. I was finally in a room with inspirational, intelligent, and passionate women who all wanted to accomplish similar goals as myself. With instructors focused on group learning, group projects, and the overall betterment and exploration of ourselves, I could no longer just 'be' in class. I had to participate. By the end of the first semester, I had friends. Not just in class friends, but individuals I'd happily meet up with outside of class, just for fun.
I was giving presentations at a frequency that I never would have imagined I was capable of before. I was experiencing new things. I was embracing the new, the different, the challenge, the change. I could feel it- I was happy. Over Christmas break, I found myself yearning to get back into the classroom, to see my peers -my friends- again, to learn more, to continue growing. Second semester challenged me yet again. With a heavier course load, planning an event, finding a practicum site, and trying to balance a new relationship, I was constantly on the go. I was slipping. Had I done too much too soon? I was never home. I was no longer taking time for myself. I could feel myself continually fighting a battle to keep going, to keep pushing until the semester was over. I needed change again- change for me.
I found it. I parted ways with my relationship, I focused on me, I rose to the challenge at my practicum site, I took time for myself, and I started to balance again. I was able to reflect on my accomplishments- I spoke at my fundraising event for mental health on my own journey with anxiety. It was my first time speaking at an event like that, one that I had planned, with family, friends, peers, and strangers in attendance. I was shaking. I was sweating. I could feel my voice cracking. But I did it. I came off the stage, and crumbled into the arms of my best friend. I broke down. All that nervous energy, all the anxiety I had managed to tuck away while I spoke finally surfaced. But I had done it. I was exhausted, crying in public, and still had an event to finish, but I did it. And that's what I kept reminding myself- I did it. I spoke in front of over 100 people. And I was going to be okay. I was elated for weeks after with myself. I needed immense time alone following the event, just to find my footing again, but it worked out. I would do it again, even knowing how draining it was. Because I know I can.
I have more faith in myself. I have more optimism in the world. I have a greater affinity to let the world happen around me and just roll with the punches. I try to control outcomes less. I live in the moment more. What happens, happens. Because you know what? I'll always be okay. I'm my own worst enemy, with my anxious shadow following me around. Yet when I work at it, when I remain aware, conscious, and present, I can keep that shadow behind me. It rarely overtakes me anymore. I know the signs. I know to listen to my body. I know to push my boundaries and when. I'm getting there. And I am so proud of myself. I don't think I've been able to say that before. But I am. Happy, proud, motivated, and ready to see what the world has to offer me, and I it.
Much love,
S.
xoxo
I may share them as time progresses, but after one post a few years back, I have realized that despite freedom of speech, posting a blog that involves or relates to someone else can be hurtful with permission, even if names are omitted. So for now, they remain tucked away.
But for today. Today. So much has changed. I've grown immensely since I last posted. I never could have imagined being where I am today back then. My last post depicted my journey with social anxiety. I was incredibly nervous to start my graduate diploma program. I still remember that very first class. I had wanted to be early, but I ended up only being in class about 10 minutes ahead of schedule and had to sit in the very front. I didn't know anyone. Everyone could see me and watch my every move. I was hyper-aware of every move I made, every word I said, every gesture I used. I would be with these strong women for the next 8 months and god-forbid I make a fool of myself. So I was quiet. I spoke minimally. I was planning on doing what I had always done- make myself fairly invisible and slip right on through the course, excelling at being on my own. Boy, did this program have different plans for me.
I'm not sure if the universe just knew I needed a push, a change, a chance or what have you, but this program was a catalyst for me. I was finally in a room with inspirational, intelligent, and passionate women who all wanted to accomplish similar goals as myself. With instructors focused on group learning, group projects, and the overall betterment and exploration of ourselves, I could no longer just 'be' in class. I had to participate. By the end of the first semester, I had friends. Not just in class friends, but individuals I'd happily meet up with outside of class, just for fun.
I was giving presentations at a frequency that I never would have imagined I was capable of before. I was experiencing new things. I was embracing the new, the different, the challenge, the change. I could feel it- I was happy. Over Christmas break, I found myself yearning to get back into the classroom, to see my peers -my friends- again, to learn more, to continue growing. Second semester challenged me yet again. With a heavier course load, planning an event, finding a practicum site, and trying to balance a new relationship, I was constantly on the go. I was slipping. Had I done too much too soon? I was never home. I was no longer taking time for myself. I could feel myself continually fighting a battle to keep going, to keep pushing until the semester was over. I needed change again- change for me.
I found it. I parted ways with my relationship, I focused on me, I rose to the challenge at my practicum site, I took time for myself, and I started to balance again. I was able to reflect on my accomplishments- I spoke at my fundraising event for mental health on my own journey with anxiety. It was my first time speaking at an event like that, one that I had planned, with family, friends, peers, and strangers in attendance. I was shaking. I was sweating. I could feel my voice cracking. But I did it. I came off the stage, and crumbled into the arms of my best friend. I broke down. All that nervous energy, all the anxiety I had managed to tuck away while I spoke finally surfaced. But I had done it. I was exhausted, crying in public, and still had an event to finish, but I did it. And that's what I kept reminding myself- I did it. I spoke in front of over 100 people. And I was going to be okay. I was elated for weeks after with myself. I needed immense time alone following the event, just to find my footing again, but it worked out. I would do it again, even knowing how draining it was. Because I know I can.I have more faith in myself. I have more optimism in the world. I have a greater affinity to let the world happen around me and just roll with the punches. I try to control outcomes less. I live in the moment more. What happens, happens. Because you know what? I'll always be okay. I'm my own worst enemy, with my anxious shadow following me around. Yet when I work at it, when I remain aware, conscious, and present, I can keep that shadow behind me. It rarely overtakes me anymore. I know the signs. I know to listen to my body. I know to push my boundaries and when. I'm getting there. And I am so proud of myself. I don't think I've been able to say that before. But I am. Happy, proud, motivated, and ready to see what the world has to offer me, and I it.
Much love,
S.
xoxo
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