Have you ever been out of breath? Have you experienced hyperventilation? Have your hands become clammy? What about your senses- have those ever been
heightened to the point where it seems like everyone is yelling, when the
lights are so bright you feel like you should be wearing sunglasses? Have you broken down crying out of sheer
exhaustion from trying so hard and failing?
Have you made plans and then cancelled last minute, all to stay home and
wonder how angry they are at you for cancelling? What about being mad at yourself, for knowing
you’re okay but being unable to believe it? Have you missed work or school
because of a mental wall that’s so big you don’t even know how to begin to
scale it? Have you refused to answer the
phone or call someone else because you don’t know how the conversation will
go? Do you avoid real people in banks
and checkout lines? Have you ever been
angry at yourself for not being the person you think others want you to
be? Has your heart rate skyrocketed from
the idea of being the first one at a gathering? Have you crumpled to the floor,
feeling defeated for not understanding why you can’t be ‘normal’? Have you missed appointments because you
purposely ran late to avoid the small talk?
I have. I’m sure many of you have too.
Social anxiety, my dearest readers, is something I have been
actively battling for about four years now, but I struggled with it for much
longer than that. I was so embarrassed
by what was happening- who cancels plans with their closest friends time and time
again out of fear? Fear of what, you may ask?
I never had the answer. I was
just continually fearful of social situations. I nearly hit rock bottom before
I finally sought answers for my anxiety.
I was skipping classes, lying to everyone around me about what I was
doing so they would think I was okay. I
stopped running, I stopped writing. I slept a heck of a lot more. I listened to a lot of melancholy music. I avoided phone calls. I did the bare minimum I had to, in order to
get by. I finally sought help when I
nearly failed a course in my second year of university- a course I had
originally been excited to be taking. I
went to a doctor, and was diagnosed with social anxiety. Not wanting to rely on medication, I began to
go to counselling. I engaged in
cognitive-behavioural therapy steadily for about two years. I finally had a grasp on my anxieties, and I
felt like I had made a breakthrough.
Before I go much further, however, I want to mention a few
things. Social anxiety is not just being shy.
That’s a common misconception and to those of us struggling with social
anxiety, it often feels like our struggle is being minimized and brushed aside
as trivial. I used to have friends that
told me to simply ‘get over it.’ It isn’t
that simple. It isn’t that easy. Social
anxiety affects approximately 7% of the worldwide population. This, in regards to mental health, makes it
the third
largest health care problem in the world1.
With my own personal reflection and corresponding growth, in
addition to the therapist I was seeing, I have been able to keep my anxiety
under wraps for the most part. Although
I do not face anxiety attacks on a regular basis any more, keeping them at bay is
something I have to put a conscious effort into on a daily basis. I still require my own alone time on a
greater scale than some may imagine, but I am now in a position where I am
willing to challenge myself. I am trying
to look at new situations and instead of asking “Why should I?” I am now asking “Why shouldn’t I? What’s the worst that can happen?” and I am
doing okay. I have had some bumps this
summer, but I have done some things that I could not be more proud of myself
for.
I wish to extend my sincerest gratitude to the family members
and friends for their support… but I also want to thank strangers and acquaintances
challenging those with social anxiety on a regular basis, without even realizing
it. What you may think was no big deal,
was a very big deal for us. That date
you asked us out on, and rescheduled when we cancelled? Thank-you. That party you invited us to? Thank-you. The times you step forward and ask us if you
can sit in the seat on the bus we had blocked off- thank-you. Professors that call on us in class?
Thank-you. These are difficult
situations for some of us, and even the times it may result in an anxiety
attack is still an opportunity to learn and face the anxiety head on. I have been able to take my anxiety and I
recognize it in every situation these past two years or so, whilst taking some
deep breaths and choosing to challenge it.
At the very worst, in each situation I have come out wiser but no less
of a person. I have come to value myself
more.
For those of you that wish you knew how to help a friend or
family member, just be patient. Be
patient, be understanding, let us know it is okay, but also help us challenge
our anxieties. Sometimes we need to ride
an anxiety attack out, but there will come a time when we will benefit from you
telling us you will be right beside us, as we face our anxiety head on (some of these text messages are spot on for support). Stay true to your word and stay beside us at
the next social gathering you convince us to go. It will mean more than you know.
To all the rest of you who may be wondering what role you
can or do play- I ask that you reserve judgement. . I’ve
been judged for being rude, stuck up, and I have been called a bitch. I have had to learn to care less of what
other people think of me, in order to face my anxiety. People that accept us for our quietness, for
our hesitance to make plans and our tendencies to cancel, for what you think
may be an odd quirk…those are the people that we want to be around. Most of us are worth the patience to get to
know.
My fellow individuals that struggle with social anxiety- it
can get better. I promise, it can. It won’t go away, but we can manage it. The battle to manage it is worth it. Because
of my anxiety, I have come to appreciate myself more than I ever would have
thought possible. I now believe in
myself and how capable I am. I believe
myself worthy. I appreciate music that
matches my mood just right. I thoroughly
enjoy literature of varying styles. I
also value the time I am social that much more.
My friends and family have come to mean a great deal to me as I have
recognized how much I trust them, and how much they willingly support me.
Believe in yourself- you are your greatest supporter and cheerleader.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” – Neale Donald
Walsch
“I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be
always there: not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through
the walls of an aching heart: but really with it, and in it.” – Emily
Brontë, Wuthering Heights
Much love,
S.
xoxo
1. *Kessler RC, Chiu
WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month
DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives
of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun;62(6):617-27.
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