Vulnerability, Part 2

For those of you that haven't had the chance yet, take the time to read my first post on vulnerability from a few months back Vulnerability Part 1.  I've had an interesting past few weeks and the weather, I'm sure, has been a large reason for my wandering -and most likely over analzyed- thoughts. But I digress.

I don't know about the rest of you out there, but I'm someone that has an innate need to be accepted.  Even once I feel accepted by people, I need to then make sure that I hold some importance in their life.  However, I don't go and try to be accepted, nor do I try and be important...I simply wait anxiously for it to happen.  I wait to matter, and let it consume my mind in the meantime. Does it need to change?  Of course.  I recognize it isn't exactly healthy and it is something I should work on.  But right now, I'm sticking with acknowledging it.  I'm also acknowledging that most of my waiting anxiously is from my lack of vulnerability.  I once said I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I no longer believe that.  I hide it, and I hide it deep.  I just like to pretend that I'm an open book.



I've started to realize that I keep all negatives bottled up inside me.  I try and keep quiet, I don't want to disturb the peace.  I don't trust easily.  I sometimes feel myself physically close off from people when they talk to me.  I don't talk about my bad days.  I lie because I don't want to disappoint people. I hide my heart because I don't want to disappoint myself.
                 Most of you probably read that at a relatively quick pace.  Go back and read it again, but slower, finding                      the words with emphasis, feeling the emotion within the sentences, picking up on similarities within yourself.

We all have our quirks, our faults, our weak spots.  Recognize them.  We don't have to change them, but we do need to acknowledge they are present.  If we fail to acknowledge them, we fail to truly understand ourselves, and provide ourselves the opportunity to assign blame to innocent accomplices.

Being vulnerable isn't something we should be ashamed of.  Being vulnerable shouldn't scare someone away. Perhaps it's the way our society has shaped norms- cheery, smilely, and vulnerability suddenly becomes something you share only if you want to get close to someone.  I still haven't figured out why for that one.

Why is vulnerability reserved for certain people????

S. xoxo