Day by Day AS ...

What else is there to say? Doesn't 'topsy turvey' say it all??? It happens when everything feels so out of place, or you feel so disconnected from everything else. Nothing is right, yet everything is perfect. What way is up, and what way is down? What is right, and what is wrong? What is an opinion, and what is a fact? Are your feelings real? Justified? Or is it just a mind game? Do you know yourself well enough to figure out what is real and what isn't? My mind can't stop racing. This Christmas vacation, a time of family, friends, love, laughter and giving, it has been so different than I ever anticipated. Decisions I have to make, being torn between friends, being tugged by my heart in different directions... many things are not as simple as they seem to be, or as anticipated. This vacation has been so full of bumps and holes and unexpected heartache, pain, and hurt. What makes it all worse is that I thought I knew myself. When things such as this happe...

It's been quite awhile since anything has been posted, especially by me. I have been incredibly busy with midterms, finals and projects. The past month I have pretty much lived in a hole. I haven't seen many of my friends, or if I have it has been for an extremely short period of time. Even my boyfriend... it is a long distance relationship, and he keeps having to come here to see me. I haven't been up to his place in a month. I know school is my priority- I need to do well, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm not doing things right. Something feels off. I think maybe it might be related to the fact that I almost lost my friends a year ago. I was in a relationship that took up my entire time- it took me away from my school, my friends, my family and myself. I lost myself. My outlook on life became quite negative, and this past summer allowed me to become positive again. That relationship is behind me, and I'm back to my smiling self. I know ...

Everyone says you need to experience a broken heart to know true love But they usually imply that another individual is involved Yet some people feel broken-hearted when they are alone Why? 'Cause they are afraid to be loved We sometimes are so afraid of love that we put walls or barriers around our hearts and souls to keep out the hurt Some are easily penetrated while others may never be My barrier is quite strong, it might not appear like that at first glance but it is Very few people have been allowed through this barrier I am scared I am scared to be that weeping girl in her bedroom Crying about some boy About some boy who took the world from her I never wanted to be this girl I knew I was stronger than that Yet I have created this barrier that very few seem to penetrate I now realized I have only hurt myself With pushing out the hurt, I have pushed out the love as well I sit here around walls that are plain and lifeless But how do I break them down? All at once? Start...

Familiarity. Confidence. Independence. Strength. All of these things intertwine with one another. All of these things -together or alone- can get you through the ups and downs of life. They can get you through awkward encounters with old friends, long classes where you don't know a soul, lack of money, struggles in the family, and the likes. Even more simple yet, it comes down to belief. The belief that you have in yourself. If you believe in yourself and all that you do, you cannot go wrong, not really. Although you will make mistakes still, because you believe in yourself things will work out, and you will learn. It's the circle of life.

It's interesting, isn't it? The way the world works and everything. I mean, you get up every morning and prepare yourself for the day ahead. Work versus school, ones individual preparations versus family preparations. You go through the day, come home and eat, maybe clean and do some laundry. Finally, you get ready for bed, and await the sharp shrill of your alarm in eight hours time - if you are lucky enough to sleep for that long. Is this what life is? The same thing five to seven days a week, for the span of one's lifetime? Preschool: one to two years. Elementary school:about ten years. High school: four or five years. Post secondary: three to eight years. Career: undisclosed number of years. Working and learning and studying accounts for 18 years of our lifespan, easily. Reality is, for most of us, we don't really get an opportunity to live life the way we want to. I used to think maybe the only true chance was before one hit the age of three, but one is...

Jealously seems to be befriending me lately - but why? I have family and friends who love me and a roof over my head I have food, clothes, and items just for me Why then is jealously befriending me? I find them most when I want something but don't need it Yet I know I don't need it, so why is jealously befriending me? I don't like them much, they make me think of ways that I wish not to think I don't want to be desperate, rude or pathetic But that's what this relationship does to me Why must you keep appearing at times I don't want you to? Stop befriending me! I don't want you in my presence, You make me think things I shouldn't I don't need this, I have all the things I need already So jealously stop befriend me!

It is the beginning of October, and my life is slowly becoming chaotic. I have 15 hours of class crammed into two days, volunteering 3-5 hours a week, am looking for a job that will allow me to work 12-16 hours a week, and am trying to maintain a social life between friends, family, and my boyfriend. Did I mention that midterms begin in two weeks? Last May I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish over the summer. I was able to cross everything off of my list, except for one thing: "Rediscover motivation." It would have been great for me to accomplish that, as that is where I am currently struggling. My life would be so much easier if I had motivation. I already have the organizational skills, and the time to do everything. So what does motivation consist of anyways? As much as I do not like to consult in Wikipedia, it actually has my favourite description of motivation: "Motivation is the activation of goal-oriented behavior. Motivation is said to be intrinsic o...

Star gazing – it is a beautiful past time. It’s hard to believe something can be so beautiful yet so far away … and when you get up close to an actual star their appearance is completely different I like to think we are stars Each one of us is unique and although you think certain things about each one of us – once looking up close you notice something completely different Another thing that I notice while star gazing is the number Sometimes there are very few stars out while at other times there are way too many to count In life I truly think you go through periods – one: being alone (but not completely) and two: with your love (of many shapes and forms) You also seem to get less or more opportunities in life depending on the people you know If you know few then you tend to get less events available to you but if you know numerous amounts of people, more events seem to appear That’s another thing about star gazing and life – they are both unpredictable (for the most part) Shooting sta...

Opening oneself is a challenge. It's just as much a challenge opening oneself to others as it is to being completely honest with ourselves. Opening ourselves to others is a scary thing. You may want to show this person more of you, but are scared. And with good reason. What if that person isn't who you think they are, or want them to be? Then what? So, you have to trust them. You yourself are able to decide who you trust, and how much you trust them. Yet, trust too is a scary thing. Trust is so powerful and means so much when it exists. Yet one word, one action, one thought can change all of that. It only takes an instant for everything to crumble. Trust is so fragile; so how do you build it with someone? It needs to be built upon a stable foundation. But then, what's a stable foundation? Nothing is cut and dry in this world. Black and white situations do not exist. This only furthers ones fear of opening ourselves to others, to strangers. As time goes on, I ...

1. I am a huge hypocrite. I don’t like that about myself, and am trying to fix it. I am trying to take my own advice instead of making excuses.  2. I’m scared of change. I generally only show it behind closed doors.  3. I love to smile and laugh. A lot.  4. My family is huge to me. My closest friends included. If you cannot accept them, we will probably have a problem.  5. One of my biggest fears is disappointing others, but I’m even more scared of disappointing myself.  6. I tend to care too much about what other people think of me.  7. I can get kind of crazy, but in a good way.  8. I enjoy most- if not all- sports. I love spending hours tossing around a football or kicking a soccer ball around.  9. I believe that there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  10. I love to help. I wish I was able to help out in a more meaningful way more often.  11. I’m really quiet when I first meet new people, but...

One word. That's all it is. That's all it takes. One single solitary word. How one word can mean so much astounds me sometimes. Taken straight from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, disappointment means to disappoint, which in turn means "to fail to meet the expectation or hope of." Growing up I always worried about disappointing my parents. Who didn't? There was ones own education, how they treated others, how one handled their responsibilities, whether they did the right thing or not, appearance...the list goes on. For me, I always worried about disappointing my mom the most. She's a great lady. Works two jobs to provide for my siblings and I, listens and gives herself wholeheartedly to those in need.. she's a beautiful individual and to disappoint her would be the worst thing possible. But you see, it wasn't until recently that I realized that the worst is when you disappoint yourself. We all have goals and expectations for ourselves, both con...

So... it must seem like I am complaining but my love life is kinda dry and just waiting for a spark to come along. I know you girls out there understand, it's fine being single but sometimes you just want a boy to look at you or say something that just says "I don't know why your single" kinda thing..... anyways let me know what you think! July 11, 2010 When listening to the radio, it is hard to find a song that is not portraying a love bird feel to it For people in relationships it feels empowering, you know what they are talking about - you've experienced it and currently have it But what about the singles? Don't get me wrong, single has its perks and I don't regret being single but ... you always seem to wonder what it would be like to not be single for once Relationships (I believe) allow you to experience a part of you that you never knew or could experience while being single Think about it Being single allows you to explore the confident, bravery, a...

June 6, 2010 I truly believe that everyone should live their life to the fullest yet most of us seem to hold back. Why? Shouldn't it be easy? Make yourself happy by doing what you want to do Yet so many things hold us back on a daily basis - money, sometimes family / friends and ourselves You seem to need money for everything and anything now a days ... I couldn't even use this pen or paper without buying (or stealing) it first. And for money, you need a job that you love and from there maybe more than your "basic" education It sucks up half your life away - but if your doing something you enjoy isn't that living your life tot he fullest with money? Family and friends - they are tricky and lovable people because although they want you to make your own decisions and be happy ... you feel as if you have to act a certain way around them and when you go out of "your box" - they occasionally freak out But as long as your happy with what your doing (and its no...

So it's me again. I wrote this back in April and I thought I should post it. Maybe it will help others like it helped me, and if not, maybe it will let others know they are not alone. Either way, it happened to me. So yeah, this is my story of a rough end to a relationship. This is me. Moving On She slowly sits down. All she can hear are the loud sobs escaping from her own throat. The phone rings. It’s him. He wants to talk. She meets him outside. Why is she tempting herself? She knows she loves him. She knows she is better off without him. What is she doing? She needs to leave. She shouldn’t be doing this. She needs to go back inside. She hears him speak the words “I’m going to fight for you.” Her heart breaks a little more. She knew it would not be easy. She knew there would be tears, hers and his. But she never thought she would feel so torn. She never thought that the internal war raging inside of her would be so painful. She gets up. ...

First official blog. I have been wanting to do this for so long. There is something about writing my thoughts and feelings out to the world anonymously that appeals to me. I am not too sure where I want to start, but I figure a small introduction might work just fine. I'm Canadian. And I love it. And I am a small town girl. These two small things have shaped me hugely into who I am and what this blog will contain. I am huge on family and friends, believe in God, an animal lover and people person, and an optimist. I have had my hardships growing up so far, between family,school and everything in between, but overall I am a happy-go-lucky kinda girl. Anything from my life may end up on here. Anything and everything. It may range from simple thoughts and good days to a post about something I've contemplated about in depth for a long period of time. Anything posted by me may be free form, but there will probably be some poems posted on here as well. This blog is going to ...